Forgotten
by Frozen Lollipop
Summary: Taking place a couple years after the manga story line, an accident drives a wedge between Eiri and Shuichi's relationship. A decision between letting go and fighting for love must be made.
1. Remembering

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes.

 _Author's note: I haven't written in quite a few years but after reading through the manga again I decided to give it another shot. I hope you enjoy and any feedback is welcomed._

This story follows the manga, occurring a few years later.

* * *

A gentle sigh pushed passed Shuichi's lips as he stared down at Eiri. His teeth slowly grazed across his bottom lip as he started to reach out for the slumbering face before him. The trembling hand recoiled and found it's way to the ring hugging his left hand. He slowly stroked the gold band as another sigh was expelled.

"You're shaking," came the soothing sound of his best friend's voice.

"I'm okay," responded Shuichi as he quickly put his hands in his pockets. He fiddled his fingers around nervously in his pockets and turned to Hiro with an empty smile. "Really, I am."

"It's okay to be scared," stated Touma as he walked up to Shuichi. He removed his black peachbloom hat and placed it on a chair near him. He placed a hand on Shu's shoulder while looking down at Eiri and added, "I don't know anybody who wouldn't be scared in this situation."

"Seguchi..." Shu mumbled, looking to Touma with tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He quietly sniffled and looked back down to his husband laying in a hospital bed. He removed his hands from his pockets and wiped his face with his sleeve.

"You were there, Shindou. Be glad he wasn't alone and you didn't have to hear about it in a phone call," Touma said in a delicate tone.

"It.. It was my fault, I could have done something different," Shu whimpered. He couldn't help but put the memory of two weeks ago on constant repeat in his mind. He dreamt about it every night, trying to change the outcome but always waking up to an empty home.

"He'll come out of it, Shuichi. I know it," Hiroshi said, trying to reassure his friend.

"Yeah..." Shu sighed as he trailed off to that day once more.

* * *

As the young man recalled it felt like any other day. He woke up alone, the same as always, and found Eiri in his office hovering a cup of coffee to his lips as he stared over his glasses at his computer screen. "Are you going to drink that coffee or just smell it?" Shuichi asked as he walked up behind Eiri.

"Hm?" grunted Eiri while he set his mug down and adjusted his glasses.

"Nothing." Shu replied. He placed his hands on Eiri's shoulders, his left thumb slowly gliding up and down his lover's neck. "Is the book coming along?"

"Not really," Eiri said quietly as he stood up. "My mind is on other things." He grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the desk and gazed down into it. "I need to go out soon," he muttered as he pulled the last cigarette out and placed it between his lips. He pulled a lighter from the pocket of his light blue button-up shirt. He flicked the lighter and held the flame to the tip of his cigarette and inhaled deeply. A slow stream of smoke poured from his mouth as he looked down to Shuichi.

Shu returned the gaze and smiled sweetly. "I'll go with you, I need to get some eggs," he said as he leaned into Eiri, placing his head on his husband's chest. "Where is your mind at?" He asked as he slowly traced circles on Eiri's biceps.

Eiri took a long drag from his cigarette and placed an arm around Shu and pulled his entire body in closer. He leaned down a little and rested his chin on the pink tuft of hair. "You smell like lemons," he murmured as he backed away from Shuichi and sat back in his chair. He hovered his cigarette above his crystal ashtray and flicked away the building up ash.

"I did some cleaning last night before bed," Shuichi replied. "I was too tired to shower. Do you want to take one with me?" He asked teasingly.

Eiri took a couple drags from his cigarette and gave a cold response of, "No." Shuichi giggled at the expected response and walked out of the office, humming softly. He walked out to the living room and plopped down onto the couch. He grabbed a magazine from the cherry end table beside him and began lazily flipping through it.

The sun peeked in through the closed blinds of Eiri's office and cast an annoying glare on the computer screen. The blonde crushed his cigarette down into the ashtray and grabbed his mug of coffee slowing bringing it to his lips. He sipped the warm drink before setting it back down and removing his glasses. He gently massaged his temple while grunting in pain from a stabbing headache. "Three days now?" he asked himself as he leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out and curling his toes.

Eiri slowly stood up and wobbled his way out to the kitchen, his socks causing him to somewhat slide across the hardwood flooring. Shu looked up as he saw Eiri stumbling his way across the apartment. He chuckled to himself as he got up and joined his husband in the kitchen. "You tired?" he asked.

"Hm? Yeah, tired," Eiri replied as he opened the refrigerator and scanned its contents. "We're out of eggs," he said quietly.

"I know, I told you I need to get more," Shu responded, taking a couple steps towards Eiri. "Weren't you listening?"

Eiri looked over his shoulder towards Shuichi and shrugged,"I guess not."

"Typical," Shu sighed. "We should walk down to the market and get some, I'll get your coat," he declared while spinning around on his heel and making towards the coat closet.

Eiri watched him march off and began to rub at his temple once more. He leaned back against a counter and rested an elbow down on the hard surface. The more he rubbed his head the more weight he put down on his elbow until he started to slip a little. Eiri regained composure and sighed as he followed after Shuichi.

Shu offered a smile alongside Eiri's coat. The blonde took the coat, silently adorning it. He walked pasted Shuichi and stopped to get his shoes on at the front door. As he slid his feet into the brown leather, Shu watched him carefully while putting his own coat on. "Are you feeling okay, Eiri?" he asked, walking up behind him.

Eiri glanced over his shoulder and responded, "A headache, that's all." He opened the front door and stepped out. He held it open as he waited for Shu to join him.

"Oh, okay then," Shuichi chirped at he bent down to tie his sneakers. He shot up with a grin and bounced out the door, Eiri closing it behind him. As the two walked side by side, Shuichi snaked his arm around Eiri's while he began to hum with a smile on his face.

Shuichi loved this time of year. The leaves were slowly turning red and orange, the wind was gentle and the air was crisp while not being too cold. Birds were flocking the skies making their formations, gloves and scarves were started to be worn again, and it was getting closer and closer to hot chocolate season for Shu. He continued to hum taking in all the sights and smells of the fall season.

Eiri glanced down at his husband, listening to the sweet tune being hummed. His honey eyes drifted back to the sidewalk, as he noticed himself stumbling slightly. He cleared his throat and tried to concentrate on walking in a straight line. Shuichi glanced up to his lover and frowned. "Eiri, maybe you should stay home?" he questioned.

"We're almost there," Eiri replied in a snide tone as he pulled his arm out of Shuichi's grip. "Just keep walking."

Shu nodded and kept walking. He wanted to tell Eiri that he was concerned with how he was treating his body. Late nights staring at a computer screen, chain-smoking, and barely eating anything. Most days he could swear the only thing he saw Eiri eat were crackers. Shuichi tried to get his husband to eat more, but short of forcing the meal down his throat he didn't know what to do.

Worry filled Shuichi's face as he locked his eyes down to his bright orange shoes. Eiri looked down to his lover and sighed. He reached out and gently took Shu's hand in his own. Shuichi glanced up to Eiri and gave him a sad smile. He thought he'd get used to seeing Eiri work himself too hard, but it never was an easy task to watch the one thing he loved most fade away.

Eiri took his hand back from Shuichi and placed it on his shoulder. As they approached the small market Eiri opened the door, lightly guiding Shu past the entryway. He watched as Shuichi made his way to the eggs and walked over to the line at the register. Shuichi quickly grabbed his item and joined Eiri in the line. When they got to the counter Shu put the case of eggs down and Eiri requested a pack of cigarettes from the cashier. After paying they left the store and Eiri was already digging out a fresh cigarette.

Shuichi smiled and pulled a lighter out of his pocket, handing it to Eiri. "You left this at home."

"Thanks," Eiri responded, taking the lighter and lighting up. He put the lighter in his pants pocket and took a deep inhale. "Let's get home and eat some breakfast."

Shuichi smiled and took Eiri's hand, leading him down the sidewalk. Eiri grunted as he walked with Shu, taking another drag off his cigarette. He could feel his head pounding as if there were wild animals stampeding inside of him. "Damnit," Eiri muttered as he dropped his cigarette to the ground and grabbed his head.

"Eiri? Maybe you should sit down for a minute," Shuichi suggested as he stopped walking.

Eiri quickly pulled his hand away from Shu and gave him a glare. "Stop, I'm fine," he growled, leaning down to pick up his cigarette. As he bent down his head twinged sharply, causing him to groan in pain.

"Eiri, you aren't fine!" Shy exclaimed as he knelt down next to Eiri. He went to place his hand on Eiri's back but was met back with a shove.

"Get off," Eiri snapped as he pushed Shu away. His breath hitched as the force of the push caused him to lose his footing and trip.

Shuichi fell back onto his rear and looked up at Eiri, his eyes widening as he watched his husband fall towards the street. He could feel his body freezing up, seeing a black sedan down the road. ' _Move, move, move!'_ He thought to himself. ' _Damnit, Shuichi! Move!'_ He tried to will himself to do something, anything. It was too late.

Shuichi watched as his lover fell forward. The car came closer and tried to come to a halt, tires squealing against the asphalt. "Eiri!" Shu cried out as Eiri's head connected to the headlight of the car. Shuichi was sure he felt his heart sink into his stomach, watching as both the plastic covering of the headlight and blood scattered across the road. Shuichi's mind was a complete blank, eyes fixated on the fallen body of his husband.

The man driving the car quickly got out and looked down to the body laying on the ground. There was a blood slowly pooling up next to Eiri's head. The man looked over to Shuichi in horror. "I'm sorry! I didn't see him soon enough. I tried to stop," he said as he bent down and started shaking Eiri. "Mister? Mister are you conscious?"

Shuichi looked in disbelief, tears streaming down his cold face. He sniffled and slowly crawled over to his husband. People began to gather around the scene, murmurs and whispers filling the air. Shuichi got to Eiri and pushed the other man away before slowly pulling Eiri into his chest. His hand cupped Eiri's head, blood that was collecting in his hair covered Shuichi's hand as he just held his lover close to his body silently crying.

"Somebody get an ambulance here," ordered a man from the crowd of onlookers.

The driver of the car looked to Shuichi with fear in his face that he had just became a murderer. All he could hear were noises from people's cell phones as they rushed to get help. Shu looked down to Eiri's face, bits of plastic mixed into the blood that was beginning to dry up. He couldn't believe what was happening. Usually right before something truly terrifying would happen he would wake up. All he could ask himself right now was why he wasn't waking up. He hung his head down and gripped Eiri tighter. "Wake up, please wake up," he whimpered.

"He's unconscious, sir. We should just wait for the paramedics."

"I need to wake up!" Yelled Shuichi. He looked up to the man talking to him. He was tall, wearing a dark grey three piece suit. The undershirt was crimson like the blood that was covering both Eiri and Shuichi. His tie was a lighter shade of grey than the suit with little white lines going diagonally across the tie. Messy chestnut hair rested right above his eyes, which were also a shade of brown with flecks of amber-like highlights. His face was thin with a sharp chin structure and sunken cheeks. "Did you really hit him?" Shu cried.

"I'm so sorry," replied the slender man. "My name is Ken Amano. Here, take my card," he offered as he pulled a business card from the inner pocket of his suit jacket. He held it out to Shuichi with a shaky hand.

Shuichi looked at the card, hoping that the second he touched it all of this would fade to black and he would wake up in his bed next to Eiri. He quickly reached out and snatched the card from Ken's hand. He looked down at it and frowned. ' _I think this is real,'_ he told himself.

The sounds of sirens filled the air as an ambulance came up to the scene. Shuichi watched as two men and a woman exited the vehicle and rushed over to them. Shuichi looked blankly to the man asking him to step away from the victim. The word 'victim' echoed in his mind. He gently set Eiri down and backed away to the curb of the sidewalk. He felt as though the wallowing fear was creating the sound of a crashing ocean. He felt the waves slamming around in his head, the sounds of the world around him being swallowed into the sea.

* * *

"Shuichi?" Hiroshi questioned, snapping the pink haired boy back into the present. He looked to Hiro and curled his lips in, fighting back tears. "Were you thinking about the accident again?"

Shuichi sniffled and nodded as he looked back over to Eiri. Bandages covered the left side of his head and around his eye. His lips looked pale and cracked and Shuichi found himself wondering if he'd ever get to kiss those lips again. The fear made a pit in Shuichi's stomach that made him constantly feel as though he could throw up at any minute. For two weeks he prayed to anything that would listen to him that his husband would wake up. He was beginning to think nobody was there to hear him.

The sound of a handle latch filled the room as Eiri's sister walked into the room, the sound of her deep red heels clacking against the shiny white and grey hospital floor. Shuichi looked to Mika and back away from Eiri's bed so she could do her daily inspection.

Mika walked up to her brother and her eyes slowly scanned his body. "Any news?" She asked, looking to her husband.

Touma shook his head. "We haven't talked to the doctor yet today. Is Tatsuha with you?"

"You ask me that everyday. Are you really expecting a new answer, Touma?" She snapped in response. Touma frowned at his wife and remained silent.

"You'd think the man would have the decency to visit his only brother in the hospital," Hiroshi muttered as he rolled his eyes.

"Bite your tongue," Mika hissed. "With our father having passed Tatsuha is the one holding our family's temple together." She turned and faced Hiro glaring into his eyes. "And he needs to be prepared for the arrangements for Eiri if he doesn't wake up."

"Don't talk like that!" Shuichi called out as his fists clenched. Tears fell from his face and hit the ground, making little tapping sounds with each one. "He's going to wake up, Mika. Don't talk about him if you have nothing supportive to say."

Mika's face saddened as she looked to Shu. She walked up to him and pulled him into a hug. "This is life, kid. We don't know the outcome, and we have to stay strong if we don't get what we want. You need to learn to accept that there is the possibility that we'll lose him. You can't be babied anymore."

Shuichi's arms coiled around Mika's waist. He buried his face into her light pink blouse, letting the tears run freely. Mika sighed and ran her hand up and down Shuichi's back. "We can still hope for something good," she said in a soothing tone.

Touma gave a sad smile to the sight of his wife and Shuichi getting along. "Maybe we should give Shuichi some time?"

"No," Shu replied as he pulled away from Mika. "You guys should stay. I just need to sit down," he continued as he moved away from his sister-in-law and sat down on a cushioned bench against a wall. His body sank into the foam cushioning and he could feel his eyes growing heavy.

* * *

Shuichi's eyes slowly cracked open. The room was dark, and everyone else had left. He rubbed his face and sat up. He looked to the clock and sighed. Time just seemed to hurt him these days. Every second that ticked by was another second he was lost in fear. Each day felt like a month to him, and he didn't know what day it really was.

A sigh was let out as Shu stood up and looked over to Eiri. He examined the bed and slowly walked up to it. An audible gulp was heard as his forced a large pool of saliva down his throat. He just wanted to feel close to Eiri. It didn't matter if Eiri couldn't hold him as long as he felt him. Shuichi carefully crawled into the bed next to his husband and placed his head down on Eiri's chest. He inhaled the scent of Eiri and let out a happy little sigh.

"Looks comfy. Can I hop in?"

Shuichi let out a small gasp and looked up. "Tatsuha, you're here," he said as he sat up.

"Of course I am. Did you think I wouldn't come see my bro?" Tatsuha asked as he walked up to the bed. He looked down at his brother and frowned. "What do the doctors say?"

Shuichi looked away from Tatsuha. "I'm not really sure... I have a hard time listening to them." Shu sighed and thought about changing the subject. "Mika said you couldn't make it here."

Tatsuha chuckled. "More like she didn't want me here. She thinks I'm a bad luck charm. After all, when I visited pops in the hospital is when the old bat decided to drop dead."

Shuichi looked up to his brother-in-law, his bottom lip quivering. "That's a little cold, don't you think?" He asked.

"Maybe..." Tatsuha paused and sighed. "If we can't make light of our pain it will swallow us whole, Shuichi." He reached out and placed his hand on Shu's cheek. His thumb gently rubbed away a couple tears.

A moan was heard coming from neither Tatsuha or Shuichi. The two jumped a little and looked down to Eiri. The blonde shifted and groaned once more. Shuichi was frozen as he wondered if he was going to get to talk to Eiri again, share his love with him, be held and soothed by him once more. Eiri let out a little cough and slowly opened his non bandaged eye.

Shuichi's breathe hitched. There he was, Eiri was waking up. He feared he was still asleep on the bench and this was all some part of a beautiful dream. "E-Eiri?" He asked.

Eiri cleared his throat and turned to look at Shuichi. "What the hell?" He asked. "Why are you sitting there?" Eiri groaned as he slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Move," he ordered with a glare.

Shuichi's brow furrowed as he frowned but he did as was told and got up out of the bed. "Sorry," he muttered.

Eiri looked at Shuichi with an unhappy face. He blinked and then his eye started to dart around, absorbing his surroundings. "Am I in the hospital?" He asked.

"Yeah," came Tatsuha's voice.

Eiri turned and looked over to his brother. "Tatsuha? What happened?"

Tatsuha looked over to Shuichi and saw the young man looking down to the floor, trying not to cry. "You really ought to ask him," he answered, pointing over to Shu.

"Did he do this to me?" Eiri asked as he looked back over to Shuichi.

"What? Of course not!" Shuichi quickly said as he looked back up to his husband. "Why would you assume that?" He asked as he shyly looked back down to the floor, fiddling his thumbs together.

"So," Eiri started as he moved his gaze once more to his brother. "Is he a rabid fan you're extorting?" He asked with a scoff.

"What?" Both Shuichi and Tatsuha asked.

"Bro, that's Shuichi," Tatsuha explained. He looked over to Shuichi and examined the stunned look on his face.

Eiri stared blankly at his brother and shrugged. "The name means nothing to me."

Shuichi took a step towards the bed and sighed before saying, "Me, Eiri... Your husband." He lifted his left hand to show the wedding band around his finger.

Eiri examined the ring and looked down to his own left hand, seeing his own ring. "I see," he mumbled. He shook his head and stared at his lap. "Kind of a rude joke for somebody in the hospital, don't you think?" He glanced from the corner of his eye over to Tatsuha. "Damn, Tatsuha... Don't even let a man know what happened to him before you pull a prank on him?"

"Eiri please stop fooling around!" Shuichi cried, falling down to his knees. "I finally got you back, don't do this," he said softly as he covered his eyes with his forearm.

"Get this brat out of here, Tatsuha," Eiri requested as he slowly laid back down.

' _Why?'_ Shu asked himself. "I'll just go," he said aloud as he got back on his feet. He glanced to Eiri and quickly looked away.

"Shuichi, no. Stay," Tatsuha said, taking a side step to block Shuichi from the door.

"He doesn't want me here," Shu stated as he walked up to Tatsuha. "Just let me go."

Tatsuha locked eyes with Shuichi for a few seconds before sighing and moving aside. Shu said nothing as he left the room. He did everything he could to keep himself together. He didn't know if he should be happy or horrified. He shook his head and slowly stumbled away from Eiri's room, his feet making a shuffling noise against the short carpeting.

"Man, Eiri... Why did you do that? He's been worried sick about you," Tatsuha sighed, walking over to the bench Shu previously slept on and flopping down onto it.

"Tatsuha," Eiri sternly began. "I honestly don't know who that kid is."

Tatsuha placed his elbows on his knees and stared with squinted eyes at his brother. "You're serious..." He stood up and walked to the door. "I'm getting a nurse," he stated, leaving the room.

* * *

"The last six or so years are gone," Tatsuha informed as he set down his cup of tea on the oak table sitting in front of him.

Shuichi's eyes slowly drifted around the room of his and Eiri's apartment. "Which means I'm gone," he mumbled.

"Yes," Mika answered bluntly. "He doesn't remember you or anything that's happened to him. He doesn't remember father passing away, and he doesn't remember the life you two built together."

"Sis!" Tatsuha snapped. "Take it easy on the poor guy."

Shuichi stood up. "It's okay, Tatsuha. She's right. He doesn't remember." He looked to Mika and gave her a fake grin. "It's all okay. I'll just pack my things and move out."

Mika sighed. "I think it's for the best. Good for you, Shuichi," she said with a small nod.

"What the hell are you saying?" Tatsuha asked while shooting a glare to his sister. "Think of all the obstacles he got through to get here. You think he should just give up? Eiri loves him and he'll remember that." He stood up from the couch and walked up to Shu. He looked down at him and placed a hand atop his shoulder. "You don't have to quit. You can make it just like you did before."

Shuichi sighed and looked away. "I just don't know if I can stand it."

Tatsuha chuckled. "Of course you can, you won't last very long away from him."

"If you say so," Shu mumbled as he walked away to start packing.

* * *

Feel free to leave comments any feedback is welcomed and enjoyed. More to come.


	2. Lonely

_Disclaimer: I own no rights to Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment._

 _A/N: Thank you for continuing to read, it's much appreciated. Any feedback is welcome._

* * *

Three months had passed since Eiri woke up. Shuichi moved into his own little one bedroom apartment after four days. He didn't want to be there when Eiri was discharged. He decided it was best to simply let go. It wasn't treating him well. He took some time off working with the band after all he could do was stare at a blank page for days at a time, unable to pull any inspiration. It was hard to write a love song when love has disintegrated and he didn't feel comfortable putting his true feelings to paper.

Six o'clock. Any minute Hiro and Suguru would show up to bring Shuichi dinner. He recalled Mika saying he shouldn't be babied anymore, but his friends seemed to strongly disagree with the sentiment. Shuichi didn't mind so much considering it felt better than being alone every minute with his thoughts. His reality was engulfing him with an overwhelming depression. He often day dreamt about Eiri charging into his apartment and declaring that everything came back to him. He knew it was impossible, but it didn't keep him from imagining how it would feel.

Shuichi was pulled from his thoughts by a knock at his front door. "It's open," he called out as he looked over to the door. It slowly opened and his friends entered holding a bag of food.

"Hi," Hiro greeted, joining Shu on the couch. Suguru followed suit and sat down as well.

"How are you feeling today?" Suguru asked.

Shuichi remained silent and thought about the question for a couple minutes. How was he feeling? He honestly didn't know. He searched his brain for the words and eventually let out a quiet response. "Numb? I think."

Hiroshi set the bag of food down on the table in front of him and started to dig hamburgers out. He handed out burgers to the others before taking out his own. "You should eat, you didn't last night," he commented.

Shuichi looked down at his wrapped burger and cringed at the thought of forcing the act of eating. He slowly unwrapped it and stared down at his for a few seconds before he reluctantly took a bite. "How is he?" He mumbled through the food in his mouth. He hadn't asked the question once, and refused to be told if anyone offered up the information.

Hiro looked to his friend with a questioning expression. "Are you sure you want to know?"

Shuichi nodded and stuffed another bite into his mouth. "I'm ready."

"Well, he has a scar on the side of his head, and he's having a little trouble with his arm and hand...But he's doing better," Hiroshi said delicately, unwrapping his burger. "Touma says that he asks about you."

"I don't want to know that," Shuichi replied, holding back the urge to cry.

"Yes you do," Suguru flatly commented.

"Shut up, Fujisaki," barked Hiro. "If he says he doesn't want to hear it, he means it."

Shuichi set down his burger and stood up. "I need a drink," he announced. He shuffled to the kitchen and pulled a beer from the refrigerator. He grabbed a bottle opener off the counter and opened his drink, letting the cap fall to the ground. He looked down at the dozens of caps that had been collecting on the floor. He took a sip from the bottle and walked back over to the couch, dropping his weight down on it. He set down his beer and picked his meal back up.

"You should go see him," Suguru suggested nonchalantly.

"Damnit, shut your face before I shut it for you," Hiro growled.

"Stop," Shu pleaded. "Don't fight over this. It's not worth your time." He took another bite from his burger, his nails digging into the bun. Once he finished the bite he cleared his throat and sheepishly asked, "What did he say?"

Hiro sighed. "He wanted to know about you. About how you two lived," he explained. "It's natural for him to be curious." He placed a hand on Shuichi's knee. "Don't let it get to you."

"I won't," Shu responded. He sighed and leaned back. "I miss him."

"Of course you do," chimed in Suguru. "You really should visit him," he said in a bored tone.

"What is your problem, Fujisaki?" Asked Hiro, throwing his burger to the table. The sandwich fell apart as hit landed and Hiro shot up to his feet.

Suguru looked over to Hiro and rolled his eyes. "Calm down. We all know Shindou will win Yuki's heart again."

Shuichi let out a small sigh. "No, we don't know that," he stated. He set his burger down next to the pieces of Hiro's and took a swig from his beer. "Thanks for the food, I should get some sleep."

Hiro frowned at his best friend. "Are you sure?"

Shuichi nodded and finished his beer and let out a little burp before setting it down on the floor. "I'll be okay," he said quietly, standing up and stretching. "Goodnight." Shu walked off to his room and said over his shoulder before going in, "Guys maybe we should just move back to Japan." He waited for no response and went into his room, closing the door behind him.

Hiro and Suguru looked at each other for a couple minutes before they got up and left without saying a word.

Shuichi crawled into his bed and pulled the covers over his head. His warm breath hit the blanket and bounced back to his face. The smell of alcohol filled his nostrils and his eyes drifted closed. He rolled to his side and hugged his knees to his chest. Whimpers emitted from his mouth as he began to cry.

He wanted to see Eiri so badly. Even though deep down he figured the only thing his husband really wanted was to file for divorce. He was dreading the notion so much that is was the main reason he avoided seeing or even talking about Eiri. He had to believe that's what was going to happen. Who would stay married to somebody they didn't even know. Shuichi assumed it wouldn't take very long for Eiri to snag some beautiful woman that he would only be cold to before finishing his uses for her.

The air around Shuichi was completely silent. He held his breath and waited until he could no longer stand it and quickly started to bring air back into his lungs. He kicked the blanket away from his face, needing fresher oxygen than the hot alcohol and burger mixture surrounding his face. Shu wiped his face with the rough blue comforter on his bed before sitting up. He looked over to his window, glows from the city around him peeking through his sheer drapes. He wondered to himself what Eiri was doing right now.

* * *

"Can I get you anything?" Touma asked Eiri, walking up to him on the couch while offering a warm smile. Eiri looked to Touma and shook his head. As Eiri looked away Touma's smile faded. He looked to the scar on Eiri's temple and around his eye. "Is it strange?" He questioned as he took a seat next to his brother-in-law.

"Is what strange?" Eiri asked, leaning over to pick up a pack of cigarettes from his cherry end table. He pulled one out and lit it up. He took a short drag and looked to Touma.

"The things I've told you that you don't remember," came Touma's nervous answer.

Eiri took a long drag from his cigarette, keeping his eyes locked to Touma's. Smoke swirled from his nose as he slowly exhaled. He could feel how uncomfortable his brother-in-law felt and he somewhat basked in the glory over it. He held his eye contact for another moment before responding, "is it strange to be married to a she-devil?"

Touma shamefully looked away. No matter what conversing he tried, Eiri always struck back with a retort about Mika. He tried to be understanding considering that Mika was there everyday doting over Eiri. It could make anyone cranky, really. She had a tendency to be rude and overbearing even if her attempt was to try and help. "My apologies, Eiri."

Eiri scoffed and tapped his cigarette over a cheap plastic black and red ashtray. "Speaking of my sister shouldn't you be with her?" he asked.

Touma watched the ash drop and sighed. "No," he answered. "She's at a benefit tonight. Would you like me to leave?"

Eiri looked away, crushing his half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray. "Do whatever you want, I don't care."

"I want to talk about Shuichi," Touma said cautiously.

Eiri's eyebrow slowly raised. Everyone wanted to talk about that kid. He wondered how he ended up falling in love with a man, or even getting married. Eiri knew he was never the type for such trivial parts of life. He knew how to write romance but he didn't know how to live it. "Like I said... Do whatever you want."

Touma gave a gentle smile. "I think we should see him soon. Everyone knows he's not going to come to you, so you should go to him." Touma stood up and looked down to Eiri. "I think the time for that is coming."

A soft chuckle came from Eiri as he also stood up. He walked over to a small counter with varying bottles of liquor. He grabbed a clear glass and grabbed a bottle of scotch. He opened it up and poured himself a drink. He closed the bottle and put it back before taking his drink and going back to sit down on the couch. The brown leather squeaked beneath him as he shifted around. "What makes you think I should do anything about him? I don't remember him and I'm fine with that," he said nonchalantly before taking a careful sip from his drink.

"Eiri," Touma began, reaching out and taking the other man's drink from his hand. He set it down on the table and continued, "it's not only about you. There is another human being involved in this. A human with feelings... Strong feelings."

Eiri reached out and took his drink back, finishing the liquid before Touma could take it away again. He slammed the glass down on the table. "Yeah? I have strong feelings too," he commented with a little smirk. "Feelings for fucking women, not little punk kids."

A tiny glare graced Touma's face as he spoke, "you're the one being a punk, Eiri. You loved Shuichi more than you love yourself. And that is quite the feat." He shook his head in disapproval and lead himself to the front door of the apartment. He slowly opened the door and looked back to Eiri over his shoulder. "You owe it to him to at least talk to him." He sighed as he left, lightly closing the door behind him.

Eiri blinked a couple times in surprise. He had never seen Touma so stern with him. It was always smiles and a tender voice. He figured he probably deserved it though. He could recall many times he ignored Touma's advice but his brother-in-law always found a way to let it roll of his back and just grin. Eiri wondered to himself if perhaps Touma was right was right about this one. Why else would he get mad?

The rhythmic tick of a clock hanging from the wall was the only sound filling Eiri's apartment. He glanced up to the clock and asked himself what he had been doing to pass the time and avoid writing for the past few years. He chuckled and thought to himself that he probably did his husband for fun. Eiri found himself missing sex. Three months had seemed like an eternity and it was on the brink of irritating him.

Eiri looked around the quiet apartment and sighed. He remembered being used to being alone and enjoying it, but things felt out of place. He felt as though somebody should be sitting next to him. He almost wished that Touma hadn't left.

A sharp ring of a telephone broke through the silence, causing Eiri to jump a little from being startled. He looked over to the phone and hastily answered it. "Yes?"

"Hey, bro," came Tatsuha's voice. "Sitting alone in a dark room?"

"What do you want, Tatsuha?" Eiri asked in an irritated tone despite the fact he was glad to have someone talking to him.

Tatsuha chuckled at his brother. "Let's go out, have some fun."

"Why should I waste my time with you?" Eiri scoffed. "Don't you think I have better things to do?"

"Not unless you're going to see Shuichi," Tatsuha replied slyly.

Eiri sighed into the receiver of the phone. "Why won't you people just drop it? You, Mika, Touma, and even the friends of that kid won't leave me alone." Eiri could have sworn he could hear the rolling of his brother's eyes.

"Relax, I'm teasing you, bro," Tatsuha answered in a chipper voice. "Seriously, let's do something while I'm in town."

"Mika is going to kill you," Eiri commented with a small smirk on his lips.

"Who does she think she is? Mom?" Giggled the younger Uesugi.

Eiri quietly laughed at his brother's question. "She wishes she could be as scary as that woman. What do you have in mind?"

Tatsuha let out a hum as he pondered his elder brother's question. "We could always get sloshed and see where the night takes us!" Tatsuha suggested excitedly.

Eiri looked around his empty home thinking he'd rather be anywhere but there. "Fine. But I'm not paying for your drinks," he firmly answered.

"Fair enough," Tatsuha chuckled. "I'll be at your place in fifteen minutes."

Before Eiri could say anything in return his brother ended the call. The blonde pulled the phone away from his ear and stared down at it as he turned it off. He was anxious to see his brother. At this point he'd be anxious to see anybody. He didn't know why but he felt alone and restless the last few weeks. He felt as though he was yearning for something but wasn't sure what.

Eiri sighed as his gaze fixated on the clock hanging on the wall. He knew his brother and his habitual tardiness and it irked him to watch each minute pass by. 'For every minute that bastard is late he's buying me a drink,' he though to himself.

To Eiri's pleasure, only three minutes late came the knock at his door he anticipated. He quickly got up from the couch and grabbed his black pea-coat from the floor. He snaked his arms through the arm holes of the coat and reached out, wriggling the jacket comfortably around his shoulders. The blonde made his way to the door, slipping into his shoes as he opened it.

There stood Tatsuha with his snide grin. He looked down to a watch around his wrist and chuckled. "Only three minutes late. New record for being on time, wouldn't you say?"

Eiri scoffed as he walked out of his apartment, closing the door and pushing past his brother. "My first three are on you," he declared as he starting walking towards the closest place he could find booze and women.

Tatsuha quickly caught up to Eiri as he shoved his cold hands into the pockets of his old and torn jean jacket.

Eiri glanced to his brother and chuckled. "Didn't Mika throw that away last week?" He asked as he pulled a cigarette from his coat pocket. He pulled a lighter from The other pocket and lit his cigarette.

"Yep," Tatsuha answered with a grin.

"Go shopping," Eiri remarked before taking a long drag, sharply exhaling his smoke into the brisk January air. "I can't believe I've been in New York all this time. I hate this place," Eiri mused aloud.

"You could always come back to Japan with me," Tatsuha replied nonchalantly.

Eiri remained silent as he played with the idea in his head. After a couple moments he spoke up, "I'd hate being that close to Mika."

The two shared a laugh over the comment. Mika was always the boss of the three, and a buzz-kill to be around. The brothers could always agree that something to irritate their sister was a pleasing thing.

The rest of their walk was made in silence, Eiri debating in his mind if he should go back with his brother. He was pleasantly pulled from his thoughts as he approached a bar he spotted. He tossed his cigarette to the ground, orange embers flying from the cherry as it hit the pavement. He crushed it out with his foot as he walked past it before grabbing Tatsuha by the arm and speeding his pace towards the building.

As the two approached the door Eiri released his grip from his brother and walked in, heading straight for the bar. "Don't you maybe want to sit at a table and eat?" Tatsuha questioned and he followed after Eiri.

"Nope," Eiri answered as he took his coat off, tossing it to the ground next to the stool he took a seat at. He pulled his wallet from his pants pocket and flashed his ID to the bartender. He pointed to his brother while saying, "I'll have a scotch on this guy."

Tatsuha chuckled as he sat next to Eiri. He pulled a loose card from his jacket pocket and showed it to the bartender. "Make it two doubles," he requested.

"Get a wallet," Eiri scoffed as he put his away.

"Nope," Tatsuha teased in response as he shoved his ID card back into his pocket.

The bartender came to them and set their drinks in front of them. Tatsuha thanked the man and pulled a bill from his pocket. He set the hundred dollar bill down on the bar. "Just let me know when this stops covering us." The bartender nodded to Tatsuha as he took the money and moved on to serve others.

"Get a damn wallet," Eiri muttered.

Tatsuha put a hand to his ear as leaned in towards Eiri. "Is there an echo in here?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Shut up and drink, Tatsuha," Eiri ordered as he took a drink from his glass.

Tatsuha smiled at his brother, doing as told. The two finished their drinks in silence, Eiri making glances around the room noting any cute girls he saw. He was startled from his thoughts as his younger brother slammed his finished glass down onto the bar.

"Alright, Eiri's enjoyment drink is done," Tatsuha proclaimed. "Bartender!" He called out. Eiri put his head in his hand, ashamed to be with Tatsuha. "Bring us whiskey!" The younger Uesugi ordered.

"Don't be a dick," Eiri murmured.

Tatsuha paid no mind to Eiri as he grinned at the sight of his drink being poured. The bartender set down a shot for each of The brothers and walked away, ignoring Tatsuha's demeanor.

"As my big brother taught me, shut up and drink," Tatsuha laughed as he picked up his shot and held it up, waiting on Eiri.

Eiri shook his head and grabbed his drink, holding it up to Tatsuha's. The two tapped their shot glasses together and downed the amber liquid. Tatsuha once again slammed his finished drink down while Eiri gingerly set his down. Eiri had forgotten how embarrassing his younger brother could be. The two continued to drink, mostly in silence with the occasional out burst from Tatsuha. Eiri kept his eye out for anyone who tickled his fancy but he found himself lacking any motivation to do anything further than taking a gander.

Tatsuha noticed his brother's wandering gazes, wondering if he was thinking of Shuichi at all. "Looking for better companionship?" He asked.

"Always," came Eiri's dry response.

A tall brunette walked her way up to Eiri. She was wearing a form fitting black dress which showed a moderate amount of the woman's cleavage. She rested her elbow on the bar next to Eiri and slowly leaned closer to him, gently touching her breasts against his shoulder. "I could offer my services," she said slyly close to Eiri's ear.

Eiri pulled away from the sensation of breath touching his ear, looking at the woman coming on to him. She had tanned skin with dark brown freckles spotting her bare shoulders. Her face was rounded, and obscured by large brown curls of hair. Eiri looked her up and down, admiring the shape under her tight dress. He sighed and looked to his little brother. "I'm ready," he mumbled quietly.

Tatsuha looked to the woman then back to Eiri, shrugging. "I'll get lost then."

Eiri shook his head and stood up. He grabbed his coat from the floor and quickly squirmed into it. He grabbed Tatsuha by the arm and pulled him from the stool. Tatsuha let out a sound of surprise as he was being yanked away, waving to the woman his brother we blowing off.

As the two got outside Eiri let go of Tatsuha and fumbled around for his cigarettes. Tatsuha looked back to the bar, seeing the confused look gracing the woman's face. "What's up, bro?" He asked, looking back to the blonde watching him light up a smoke.

"I said I'm ready," Eiri grunted passed the limp cigarette resting between his lips.

"I don't get it. Ready for what? Didn't you want to find a hookup?" Tatsuha asked.

"I guess not," the elder brother answered with a shrug. "Give me his address, I'll take a cab."

Tatsuha blinked in disbelief. "Bro, do you mean Shuichi?" He queried, trying not to get too excited at the notion.

Eiri took a couple drags from his cigarette, ash falling to the ground as he pulled from his mouth with a shaky hand. He looked his brother in the eye and nodded his head.

"Well, maybe now isn't the best time? You should probably have Touma go with you," Tatsuha thought aloud.

"I'm going, give me his address," Eiri ordered, giving his brother a stern gaze.

Tatsuha sighed to the look Eiri was giving him as he pulled a receipt and a pen from an inner pocket from his jacket. He put the receipt to his brother's chest and scribbled away. When he was done he stepped back and held the paper out to Eiri. The elder brother quickly snatched it from Tatsuha's hand and stared down at it for a couple moments.

"You don't have to go. It might be better with others there," Tatsuha suggested with a frown.

"Fuck off, I'm doing it now," Eiri responded before pulling out a cellphone from his pants pocket. He began fiddling around with the phone before putting it to his ear and walking away from his little brother. Tatsuha shrugged and decided it was simply best to let Eiri have his way.

* * *

Shuichi tossed around in bed, finding it difficult to do anything other than think of where his life was heading without Eiri. It was strange not seeing him everyday, being scolded by him, and of course it was like hell for Shuichi to be without sex for so long. He wondered where Eiri was, what he was doing without him around anymore. Shuichi scoffed. He figured Eiri was better off at this point. He didn't need the stress that Shu brought to their lives. Besides, Eiri was never the type to settle down. Shuichi was convinced what he had was once in a life time and he'd never get it back.

A loud groan of frustration came from Shuichi as he sat up and ran his hands through his messy hair. He looked around his dark room and muttered quietly as he got up and made his way to the bathroom. He jumped a little at the cold sensation of the bathroom floor against his bare feet. He quickly made his way to the toilet and began to take care of business. Mid stream a loud pounding at his front door startled him. Shuichi sighed and quickly finished, figuring Hiroshi had come back alone to try and comfort him.

Shu exited the bathroom and slowly shuffled towards the front door, more and louder pounding occurring. "I'm coming, damnit!" Shuichi hollered as he got up to the door. He sighed as he slowly opened the door, rubbing the back of his head. "Hiro, you could have just called me," he muttered, looking away.

"Hello," came the familiar sound of Eiri's voice.

"Huh?" Shu looked up to see Eiri staring down at him. His eyes widened as he locked them onto Eiri's. 'Is he really standing here?' he asked himself in disbelief. He looked Eiri up and down, his body quivering. There he stood in all his glory. Dull and dirty black shoes, dark brown slacks covering his long legs and a long fitting white button up shirt under his black pea-coat . Messy blonde hair framed his face, his glasses resting at the edge of his nose.

"Are you going to invite me in?" Eiri asked with a smirk forming on his lips, enjoying the look of shock on Shu's face.

"Um, yeah… Come in," Shuichi offered as he stepped aside and motioned Eiri to enter.

* * *

 _I hope you enjoyed this chapter, feel free to leave any comments negative it positive all criticism is welcome._

 _I hope to see you in the next chapter._


	3. Curiosity

_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Gravitation. This is fan made purely for entertainment purposes._

 _A/N: Thanks for coming back to read more of my story. I've been enjoying working on it and dusting of my rusty writing hobby. I hope you enjoy._

* * *

Eiri slowly walked into Shuichi's apartment, his eyes drifting around. He took his shoes off, noting how empty the place was. He took a few steps forward and turned back to look at Shuichi.

Shuichi cautiously walked up to Eiri, holding back the urge to cry as he looked up at the taller man. "What are you doing here?" He asked with a shaky voice.

Eiri stared blankly at Shuichi and bent down so his face was level to Shu's. "I'm here to see what the fuss is all about."

The familiar stench of liquor hit Shuichi in the face and he frowned. "Are you drunk?" He questioned.

Eiri straightened back up and chuckled. "Not quite. Tatsuha was only three minutes late." He looked down at Shu, his eyes tracing every detail of the boy. He noted Shu's tiny frame which was easy to see with the loose dark green tank top that draped down his chest, stopping above his belly button. Black shorts that were will above his knees clung to Shu's thin thighs. "So… I got married to a little guy like you?"

Shuichi looked away and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah," he muttered in response. He wanted nothing more than to run into Eiri's arms and cry into his chest. "Have a seat," he offered as he pointed to his couch.

Eiri nodded and did as suggested, taking his coat off and tossing out to the ground. He watched as Shuichi shuffled away, hearing the sound of a bottle being opened. He eyed Shuichi up and down as he came back with a beer in his hand. Shuichi sat as far as he could from Eiri and took a long swig of his drink. The two sat in silence, Eiri just continuing to stare at Shuichi.

Shu squirmed around, thinking of anything he could say. _'Why did he come? What does he want from me?'_ He thought while his thumb nail nervously scratched at the label on his beer. He looked over to Eiri and blushed at the stare the blonde was giving him. "Should I say something?" Shuichi asked bashfully.

Eiri noticed the blush on Shu's face and scooted closer to him. He reached out and grabbed the beer from Shuichi, taking a drink from it before setting it down on the table in front of them. Shuichi turned his head to look away but Eiri placed his hand under Shuichi's chin and made him turn back to look at him. Shuichi nervously looked to Eiri, holding his breath. "Kiss me," Eiri demanded.

"I can't," came Shu's quiet response.

"Liar," Eiri scoffed as he leaned his face in closer to Shu's. His eyes fluttered down to look at the boys lips. "You want to," he said with a smirk before pulling Shuichi into a gentle kiss.

As much as Shuichi thought he should pull away, he melted at the feeling of being kissed once more by the love of his life. His eyes drifted closed, accepting the much craved affection. He didn't care if Eiri didn't remember him at this point. The smell of alcohol and Eiri's cologne filled Shuichi's nostrils as he shifted closer the the other man, his hands shyly finding their way to Eiri's shoulders.

A whimper came from Shu as Eiri pulled away. The blonde chuckled and slid back over on the couch away from Shuichi. "Told you," he said triumphantly.

"What do you want from me?" Shuichi asked. He looked away, feeling ashamed of how easily Eiri could command him.

Eiri leaned back and yawned. "Tell me a story from my past," he ordered.

A sigh was expelled from Shuichi as he grabbed the bottle on the table. He took a drink then offered it to Eiri who quickly took it. "Well," Shu started, "When we first met you insulted my writing." He let out a small laugh and looked down at his lap. "I was so devastated. I didn't know you were an author, but it stung more than anything. "

Eiri took a drink as he listened. "Sounds like I got under your skin," he commented.

"You were an asshole," Shuichi snapped. "But you were really cool," he added, getting embarrassed. Shu looked at Eiri's scar around the left side of his face and frowned. "I'm sorry the accident happened."

"Touma says you were my savior from Kitazawa," said Eiri, nonchalantly changing the subject.

Shuichi sighed and stood up. "You saved yourself. I just pushed you into letting him go." He ruffled his hair and groaned in frustration. "Maybe you should go home?"

Eiri set the beer down and joined Shu in standing up. He took a step towards the boy and looked down at him with a sly grin. "I didn't come here to be shooed off. I came to see the little twerp that convinced me to settle down." He reached out and placed his hand on Shu's cheek. "You must be an amazing fuck," he muttered as he took another step closer.

"Please stop," Shuichi pleaded, looking down to the floor. "I know you're just teasing me."

Eiri's hand slid down to Shuichi's neck, then down his chest before resting it on Shu's waist. He watched as Shuichi squirmed and chuckled. He moved his face in closer to Shu's. "I just want to see what I got got myself into," he whispered, his breath hitting Shuichi's ear which made the boy shudder.

Shuichi tried to push away from Eiri but was met in return with the blonde coiling his arms around his waist, roughly bringing him closer. Shu placed his hands on Eiri's chest, trying to push him away. Eiri stared at him with a dangerous smile before he leaned down to kiss the boy once more. He felt smug as Shuichi's attempts to get away ended. Shuichi pushed himself up on his toes and he wrapped his arms around Eiri's neck, submitting to the kiss. At this point Shu didn't care if it was some cruel joke that would end in tears. He just wanted to feel Eiri again.

Eiri's grip tightened as he broke the kiss, keeping his lips hovering near Shu's. "Show me to your room," he command, his lips lightly brushing against Shuichi's as he spoke.

"Why?" Shuichi responded with a weak voice.

"I told you already. I want to know what I got myself into," Eiri answered before he slowly moved his face to Shuichi's neck. He breathed in deeply, taking in Shu's scent. "You want me, don't you?" He asked against the younger man's soft skin. Eiri began to plant kisses down Shu's neck, his left hand slowly trailing up his back.

A quiet moan came from Shu. "You just want to know how the sex was," he mused quietly. "Then you'll leave me here heartbroken."

Eiri's kisses stopped abruptly. "So?" He slowly pulled away from Shuichi and gazed down at the sad face before him. "If you don't want me then kick me out."

"It's just that you've been drinking and this is the first time I've seen you in months," Shu mumbled. He looked up at Eiri, tears forming in his eyes. "Can't we just talk?"

The two stood quietly, Eiri watching as Shuichi fought to not let his tears fall. The taller man sighed and pulled away from Shu. "You're no fun," he teased as he sat back down on the couch. He grabbed Shuichi's drink and proceeded to finish it. He set the bottle down and fixed his gaze to Shuichi, who still hadn't moved. "Talk," Eiri ordered.

A sigh came from Shuichi as he continued to stand still. He was angry at himself for not staying in Eiri's embrace, but he just knew all hell would break loose if he gave into those temptations. Shu wanted so badly to stay strong and it was much easier when he didn't have to see Eiri right in front of him. _'Why did he have to show up? I could have forgotten and moved on but he has to torture me like this?'_ He questioned in his mind.

"Well?" Eiri questioned impatiently. He watched as Shuichi just stood there motionless, wondering if perhaps he'd gone too far. The thought quickly left his head as he adjusted his glasses and asked, "Did I break you, kid?"

"Shuichi," the flustered boy responded. "My name is Shuichi." He turned and looked to Eiri with anger in his eyes. "Are you trying to make me suffer for something?" Shu asked, slowly walking up to Eiri.

Gentle eyes met Shuichi's, Eiri giving a small smile. "Everyone acts like you're a big deal, but you just seem like a cry baby," Eiri stated.

Grumblings came from Shu as he flopped back down onto the couch. He folded his arms and faced away from Eiri. "You're always such a dick," he whined.

"If I'm such a dick why did you marry me?" Eiri pondered.

Shuichi looked over to Eiri and offered a kind smile. "You're actually pretty amazing. And to be honest, the whole asshole thing can be fun sometimes. You get used to it," he answered. He unfolded his arms and scooted closer to Eiri.

Eiri leaned his head back against the back of the couch. "Fair enough," he mumbled. "What's your favorite memory of us?"

As he thought back on all his times with Eiri, Shu cautiously laid down and rested his head on Eiri's leg. He held his breath in anticipation of Eiri pushing him off, though to his delight Eiri made no movements seeming to allow the contact. "Well at one point you asked me to quit my band."

"Why would that be a good memory? Sounds pretty idiotic," Eiri grumbled. He lifted his head back up and looked down at Shu. The boy was looking right back up at him with a grin on his face.

"It was because you wanted to be the most important thing to me," Shu answered sweetly. "I mean, I didn't do it but it really proved something to me."

Eiri stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. He leaned his head back down and sighed. The two remained quiet and Eiri found himself enjoying the silence. After a few moments he shifted around, lifting his head up. He glanced down to Shu. The boy's eyes were closed and Eiri felt himself envying that fact a little. His eyes traced the details of Shuichi's face, his hand slowly finding his way to the boys hair. His fingers slithered through the locks carefully, Eiri feeling satisfied with the contact.

Almost an hour had passed and Shu had drifted to sleep. Eiri watched the young man sleep, trying to imagine their lives together. A large yawn stopped Eiri's day dreaming, making him realise he needed to sleep. He carefully picked up Shu's head up, sliding out from under him. He gently placed Shuichi's head down and stood up. Picking up his coat from the ground, he looked back down to Shu. He rolled his eyes and slowly placed his jacket over Shuichi as a blanket. He looked around and found a notebook with a couple pens scattered around it on the floor. Eiri grabbed the notebook and a pen, flipping to the first empty page he saw. He wrote down a few words before ripping the page out and setting it on the table. He took one more look at Shuichi before walking to the front door and getting his shoes on. He quietly opened the door and made his exit.

* * *

The afternoon sun shined brightly into Shuichi's living room, hitting the boy's slumbering face. His eyes closed tighter, trying to block out the light. He squirmed around and decided to give up on trying to stay asleep. His eyes slowly opened and darted around the room. Quickly the memory of last night came seeping back into his mind as he sat up, noticing the jacket covering his legs. Pulling the coat up to his face, Shuichi took a long inhale of Eiri's smell. It mostly smelled like stale cigarettes but Shuichi had grown to love that smell over the years. As he stood up and stretched his eyes glanced down to a note left on his table. He picked it up and read it with a smile.

 _'You fell asleep. I had to go._

 _-Eiri'_

At the bottom of the page Shuichi noticed a phone number Eiri left for him. He wondered to himself if Eiri really left his number in hopes that Shu would call him or if it was just some kind gesture. Or god forbid getting in contact for divorce. Shuichi shook his head. _'Of course it's about divorce. Like he said, he just wanted to see what the fuss was about,'_ he thought as he folded up the note and set it down on the table amongst empty bottles.

Shu looked over to the notebook that Eiri had taken a page from and picked it up. He skimmed though failed writings from the last few months and shook his head. He made his way to a blank page and grabbed a pen from the floor. Shuichi began writing with a small smile on his lips. For the first time in months he felt inspired to write something he was really feeling.

After about a half an hour of putting his feelings to paper a knock at his door pulled him out of his thoughts. He set his notebook and pen down and walked to the door. He opened it up and smiled when he saw Hiroshi standing there. Hiro gave Shuichi a confused look. "That almost looks like a real smile," the guitarist commented.

"It is real, Hiro," Shu responded as he walked back over to his notebook. Hiroshi followed him, closing the door behind himself.

"What's going on?" Hiro asked, sitting down on the couch.

Shuichi sat down next to his friend and held out his notebook. "I have a new song for us," he declared proudly.

Hiro gave a confused look to Shu before noticing the coat next to the boy. "New coat?" He asked.

"No," came Shuichi's shy reply. "It's Eiri's," he said as he waved the notebook in Hiro's face. "Come on, read it."

Hiroshi snatched the notebook from Shu and gave him a concerned look. "I thought you didn't keep anything of his?" He asked with a sigh.

"I didn't, he came over last night," Shu answered with a goofy grin. "Seriously Hiro are you going to read my lyrics or not?"

"Dammit, Shuichi," Hiro growled. "You can't tell me Eiri was here and not tell me what's going on." He tossed the notebook to the table, knocking over a bottle as it landed and gave Shuichi a very serious gaze.

A small laugh came from Shuichi as he grabbed Eiri's coat, setting it on his lap. "It's okay, Hiro. Eiri wanted to see me and all we did is talk," he explained. Sad eyes stared at the coat in his lap. Shuichi didn't want to tell Hiro that it was the same coat Eiri wore the day of the accident. The fabric gave him comfort while keeping him in the reality of what was happening. Even though Touma made sure to get the jacket back to as pristine as he could, the memories Shu had couldn't be washed away.

"Shuichi… You can't do this to yourself," Hiro said delicately as he reached out to touch his friend's shoulder. "It's nice that he came to see you but maybe it should end there."

Shuichi looked over to Hiro and giggled at the comment. "Don't you think Fujisaki was right?" He asked. "Come on, Hiro. I never give up when it comes to Eiri. I just needed to see him to be reminded of that, I guess."

Hiro pulled his hand back and shook his head. He gazed at his friend with sad eyes for a moment. He was glad that Eiri was okay and Shuichi was feeling better but he was the one there for all the breakdowns throughout the years. Hiro knew what Eiri did to Shuichi and he didn't want to watch his best friend crying all the time again. It was hell to win him over the first time, and Hiroshi didn't understand why Shu would open himself up to all of that again.

"Hiro," Shu began with a grin. "Everything will be okay. If I fail it's not the end of the world. But if I didn't even bother to try that would kill me."

"I suppose," the guitarist muttered. "I guess I just have to be supportive of what you want. I'm here for you, man," he added as he leaned forward and grabbed Shuichi's notebook. His eyes began to scan the page. Shuichi watched in excitement as Hiro read. It made him happy to hear he had Hiro's support considering how much he had been there for him in the past. Shu knew it couldn't be easy to watch your best friend suffer. Granted he knew sometimes he had a tendency to overplay his emotions over nothing, but Hiro would still always be there to listen.

Hiro set the notebook back down on the table and leaned back against the couch. "It's good, Shuichi. Does this mean you're going to come back to work?"

A small nod came from Shu. "I think so," he answered, a little smile on his lips.

"Good, it's about time," Hiroshi teased. "So, when do you think you'll see him again?"

Shu looked over to the folded note Eiri left him and shrugged. "I'm not really sure. He's probably going to want his cost back, right?" He asked with with a dopey grin.

A chuckle came from Hiro. "Yeah, sure," he replied as he stood up. "I have some things to do I need to get going."

"Alright," Shu said as he gave a wave to his friend. He figured Hiro was probably going to talk to Touma about all this before wondering if Eiri had already done so. After he watched his friend leave he glanced over again to the note Eiri left him. He picked it up and looked down at Eiri's sloppy strokes in his handwriting. His eyes traced the phone number left behind over and over again. As he felt himself beginning to memorize the numbers he began to hum a slow what Eiri was doing, he placed down the note and and shuffled off to the kitchen.

* * *

A loud slam startled Eiri awake, his eyes quickly opened as he silently cursed for having been woken up. He rolled over to his side as he listened to the footsteps coming to his door. The door of his bedroom creaked open and Eiri closed his eyes wishing he was still asleep. He wasn't in the mood to talk but everybody wanted to check on him night and day. Eiri wondered how he managed to attract so many people's attention to him. Sure, he was in an accident but he was doing just fine on his own. As the footsteps came up to his bed, Eiri rolled over and opened his eyes. There stood his younger brother with a goofy grin gracing his face.

"Hey, bro," the younger Uesugi chirped. "How was your night?" Tatsuha asked teasingly as he sat down on the bed next to Eiri.

Eiri sighed as he looked up at his brother. "Don't even give me a chance to sleep before you come over here to squawk in my ear?" He asked, clearly annoyed. As he sat up he glared to Tatsuha, watching as his younger brother got a sly look on his face.

"Don't you want to tell me how things went with Shuichi?" Tatsuha asked, scooting closer to Eiri.

Eiri pushed his brother away and got up from bed. "No," he answered in a mumble as he grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from a night stand by the bed. While lighting up a cigarette he looked back to his brother, tossing the pack and lighter back down to the night stand. Eye contact between the two was held for a few moments, Eiri silently puffing away.

After no longer being able to contain himself, Tatsuha finally spoke up with a cheeky tone, "So you didn't get lucky last night?"

The question was met with a sigh from Eiri before he took a long and frustrated drag from his cigarette. With a sharp, angry, steady stream he exhaled smoke as his eyes kept locked onto his brother's. He thought about keeping things to himself. It was his life and his business after all, so why should he let people in? The silence hung over the two for moments before Eiri finally spoke, "He just wanted to talk." His face drew to a cringe as the words came out of his mouth.

A quiet chuckle came from Tatsuha. "Couldn't seal the deal?" He asked as he stood up and stretched his arms up. As his arms slowly came back down to his sides he walked up to his older brother and smirked at the obvious look of frustration on Eiri's face. Tatsuha reached out and snagged the cigarette from Eiri's hand and too a drag from it.

Eiri's eyebrow twitched as he watched the actions of Tatsuha. "What makes you think I would even want to do something like that with him?" he asked defensively, watching Tatsuha enjoy the sight of how irritated he was becoming.

"Well you had been drinking which means you start to care less about what it is you're fucking," Tatsuha commented nonchalantly as he let the built up ash from the cigarette fall to the floor as he brought it up to his smiling lips to take a drag. He playfully blew the smoke into Eiri's face. "Plus, Shu is pretty cute, don't you think?"

The two stood quietly, Eiri trying to ignore his brother's question as he thought back to last night. He could remember the feeling of Shuichi hair between his fingers, and the sight of his slumbering face resting in his lap. Wondering how he felt about all that, he watched as Tatsuha finished the cigarette and walked over to the nightstand where an ashtray sat. Tatsuha crushed the cigarette down into the ashtray, giving a smirk to his older brother.

Growing tired of the silence, Eiri scoffed at Tatsuha. "Don't be such an idiot," he muttered, walking away from his brother. He made his way to his office and sat down at his desk, Tatsuha quick to follow. Looking over to the phone next to his computer on the desk, Eiri asked himself if Shuichi would be calling him at all. To that he wondered if he really wanted to be bothered.

"Are you really not going to tell me about last night?" Tatsuha asked as he walked into Eiri's office. All that was given to Tatsuha's question was the sound of Eiri's fingers tapping against the wood of his desk. "Really? I can't help but feel like it was your plan all along to see him last night," the younger brother spoke cautiously.

A glare met Tatsuha's gaze as Eiri tapped harder and faster on his desk. "Why do you have to be so damn annoying, Tatsuha?" He asked, looking away to his computer screen. His eyes drifted slowly over to the analog clock on his screen and he expelled a sigh, reaching out to grab the glasses that were resting on the desk. Putting them on, Eiri looked back over to his brother with a blank stare. "Shouldn't you be going back to Japan soon?" He questioned, pulling a small bit of hair loose from under the arm of his glasses' frame near his ear.

"You really don't want to talk to me, huh?" Tatsuha asked while leaning his shoulder up against the door frame. "I guess you're more curious than you thought," he mumbled, crossing his arms.

Eiri's eyes stayed fixated on his brother's smug face as he began to debate himself in his head. He had to assume his brother was right no matter how much he didn't want to admit that fact. The cascade of information people had been dumping on him and the urging from his family and people he didn't remember to visit Shuichi had been strongly deterring Eiri. He thought back to the most stubborn one of them all. A tall blonde man with a long pony tail and the kind of face that showed the mischievousness of a young bratty child that made you want to keep on your toes at all times. Eiri couldn't recall the man's name considering he probably didn't listen, but the attitude was fresh in his mind. Eiri didn't think there could be so much whining and nagging from anyone other than his father, but he was quite wrong.

Eiri was jerked from his thoughts as the sharp ring of his phone filled his ears. Glancing down to the phone he wondered if it was Shuichi or the more upsetting option of Touma. He glanced up to his brother as he slowly picked up the phone. Tatsuha gave a quizzical look as he watched Eiri answer.

"Hello?" Eiri asked in a calm tone. He did his best to keep a straight face as the sound of Shuichi's voice came in response. Continuing to stare down his brother, not wanting to give the impression of being there slightest bit interest that Shuichi was calling him he listened to Shu and stayed quiet for a little before finally speaking up. "When?"

Tatsuha slowly moved closer to Eiri, trying to hear whoever was on the phone. Eiri kept an eye on his brother as he said his farewells and hung up the phone. As Eiri placed the phone down on the desk he stood up and adjusted his glasses. "I'm leaving soon," he announced.

"Oooh where are you going?" Tatsuha asked excitedly.

"I need to run an errand, that's all. You can stay if you want, i don't really care," Eiri answered as he walked out of the office to his bedroom. Making his way over to his dresser, he took off the unbuttoned white shirt he wore the night before and tossed it to the floor. He pulled out some fresh clothes and began getting dressed.

Tatsuha stood in Eiri's office, staring down at the phone on the desk. He knew his brother was thinking about Shuichi, and there was something Eiri didn't want to say. So much curiosity filled Tatsuha about what went on with Shu and his brother last night. Was it okay for him to just ask Shuichi about what happened? Tatsuha wasn't usually one to care if he was crossing a line but he felt as though all this was a rather delicate situation. The sounds of Eiri shuffling around the apartment distracted Tatsuha from his thoughts. He peeked his head out the door and watched his brother running a hand through his hair, lazily trying to make it look a little better. Tatsuha wondered where Eiri was going and how long he had planned on being gone. He wanted to go see Shuichi so badly. Not only to try to get a little information on what happened between the two, but to make sure Shu was doing okay after seeing Eiri for the first time in months.

"I'm going," Eiri said as he walked passed Tatsuha. He stopped and turned back to look at his little brother. "Behave," Eiri warned with a stern expression.

A nervous laugh came from Tatsuha as he made a shooing motion at Eiri. "Relax, bro. I'll just watch some TV," he responded.

Eiri held his gaze on Tatsuha for a few seconds before turning and walking away. He put this shoes on at the front door before leaving, slowly beginning his walk to Shuichi's apartment.

* * *

 _To be continued._

 _Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed and come back for the next chapter._


	4. Rejected

_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes._

 _A/N: Thanks for returning for another chapter. Please enjoy and feel free to leave any criticisms._

* * *

Watching his breath turn to white wisps in front of his face, Eiri stood in front Shuichi's apartment complex. Not knowing why he felt a sensation of nervousness, he slowly made his way to the front door of the building. _'Third floor,'_ he thought, looking over two elevators next to a set of stairs. Deciding to take the stairs, Eiri tried clearing his mind off all this nonsense. Shuichi wasn't special and Eiri didn't care about him in the slightest. So then why was his breath shallow and his stomach doing backflips in anticipation? The pounding of his racing heart was felt throughout his entire body as he reached the floor he needed. This was stupid to Eiri. He was here to pick up a coat he left behind and that was it. At least, that's what he was trying to convince himself of right now.

Approaching Shuichi's door, Eiri stopped and stared blankly ahead. He needed to gather some composure and not be such an idiot over something so trivial. While clearing his throat, Eiri's hand slowly came up and knocked at the door. It wasn't very long before the door swung open, Shuichi looking up at Eiri with a kind smile.

"Uh, hi," Eiri greeted quietly. He had seen thousands of smiles pointed in his direction from strangers, fans, and women he slept with but Eiri had never felt the warmth and sincerity he was picking up from Shuichi.

"Hello," Shu replied shyly. "Do you want to come in?" He asked, gesturing towards his living room.

Eiri responded with a nod and walked in after Shuichi stepped aside and led the way to the living room. Eiri removed his shoes and followed after Shu. The two stood silently, looking away from one another. Eiri didn't know what to say and he wasn't sure why he felt like he had to say anything other than asking for his jacket. Feelings were never Eiri's strong point and it irked him that he was dealing with useless emotions driving him to investigate a life he would never remember. It was easy for him to not miss those memories but it was proving a little difficult to keep ignoring Shuichi's existence.

Eiri's gaze finally found its way to Shuichi, admiring the small frame of the other man. Somebody he could envelope with his body was always something Eiri could appreciate. It felt as though it fed his need to be possessive with what he wanted. The feeling of domination gave him a sense of pride and Shuichi's body type fit so perfectly to that.

Shuichi looked up, noticing Eiri's eyes on him. A light shade of red graced Shuichi's cheeks, his face starting to feel a little warm from the sensation. Just the sight of Eiri made Shu's entire body wash over with tingles and goosebumps. He could remember so many times the two laid silently in bed together, Eiri holding Shu close to his body. He recalled the feeling of his face against the soft skin of Eiri's chest, and the warmth of the embrace that felt like Eiri would never let him go. Every time they laid like that Shuichi felt exactly what he was feeling now. It was like a rush of a adrenaline that made him feel like he could vomit and lift a car above his head at the same time.

"Would you like a drink or something?" Shu finally asked, feeling uncomfortable from the lingering silence.

Eyes fixated on Shuichi's face, Eiri ignored the question presented to him and took a couple slow steps towards the other man. Looking down at Shu with sad eyes, Eiri sighed and softly spoke, "I'm sorry."

Shuichi's brow furrowed in confusion. Eiri wasn't one to apologise, especially to Shu. Noting the look on Eiri's face, Shuichi gave a sad smile and shook his head. "There's nothing to be sorry about," he responded.

Thoughts raced through Eiri's mind, thinking back to Touma scooting scolding him for not thinking about Shuichi's feelings in all of this. He didn't want to acknowledge the fact that Touma was right, but after seeing Shuichi the night before he began to really take it into consideration. It wasn't like him to care about how anybody else was feeling even if he was the reason for their feelings. Something just drew him to Shuichi that he couldn't ignore. Despite his wishes to be left alone, a strong force pulled him to this other man and he couldn't deny it.

"Eiri?" Shu asked, snapping the blonde out of his thoughts. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Eiri answered, his voice turning cold. Eiri asked himself why he was letting this get to him. This kid wasn't worth his time. He told himself that he didn't need this in his life. So what if Shuichi's life has changed and brought him pain? Eiri's life changed, too. He looked down to his hand that had been affected by the accident, trying to clench it into a fist but failing.

Shu looked down to the twitching hand and frowned. He wondered if Eiri was feeling pain at the moment. "It's okay, you know? To be angry at me. You can hate me too, if you want."

"I don't hate you," Eiri replied dryly. "I don't even know you." His eyes met Shuichi's as he adjusted his glasses. "You're completely insignificant in my life." Eiri felt as though he wasn't saying those words for Shu, but rather for himself.

The comment hit Shuichi hard, but he wasn't surprised to hear such things. He knew that he couldn't expect Eiri to just go back to loving him but he wanted to cling to the hope that it could happen. As Shuichi was about to speak he was cut off by the sound of a knock at his door. With a sigh Shuichi walked passed Eiri to the door and opened it.

There stood Tatsuha with his trademark shit-eating grin. "You saw him," he said as he invited himself in. "How was it?"

"Well," Shuichi mumbled as he looked back over to Eiri.

Tatsuha kicked his shoes off and looked up to his older brother standing in the living room with a look of horror on Eiri's face. Tatsuha's smug smile grew as he walked up to Eiri. "So… Errands?" He teased.

"Tatsuha," Eiri growled. "What the hell are you doing here?"

A chuckle came from Tatsuha as he gestured to Shu with his thumb. "Just checking up on my friend," he answered.

Eiri looked back and forth between his brother and Shuichi, wondering how he was going to convince Tatsuha that this was a meaningless visit. He knew telling his brother that he was simply here to get his jacket would never suffice. Tatsuha could lead any situation into sex and it was going to happen. Eiri wasn't ready for a barrage of teasing from Tatsuha and he'd say anything to avoid it.

"He forgot his jacket, that all," came the sad voice of Shuichi.

Tatsuha looked to Shuichi, examining his face closely. "He's not being a dick, is he?" He questioned as he glanced back over to Eiri.

A shake of the head came from Shu as he walked over to the couch, grabbing Eiri's jacket from it. "He was a little drunk and forgot it, that's all. I don't want to be rude but can you leave for now, Tatsuha? I just want the chance to say goodbye alone," he explained, looking down to the floor sheepishly.

Raising an eyebrow, Tatsuha folded his arms with a soft sigh. He looked to his brother and shook his head as a somewhat warning to the blonde. "Okay," he said slowly, looking back over to Shuichi. "You call me if you need anything," he told him.

Shuichi nodded with a small smile. "I will, thanks," he responded. Shu and Eiri watched as Tatsuha turned and slowly left the apartment after getting his shoes back on.

Motionless, Eiri was imagining all the different ways that this could come back to bite him in the ass. His brother wasn't the type to let anything slide and that was especially true when it came to Eiri. Tatsuha always took any opportunity he could to try and humiliate Eiri as much as he possibly could. With dread in his eyes he slowly looked over to Shuichi.

"What?" Shu asked after noticing the expression on Eiri's face.

"He's going to give me hell for this," Eiri answered. "Listen, don't talk to my brother about us. I get enough crap as it is I don't need this added on," Eiri ordered as he flopped down on the couch.

Angry, Shuichi tossed Eiri's coat at him, hitting him in the chest with it. "I'll talk to my friends about whatever I want," he snapped. "You can't just show up in my life and expect me not to tell people about it." Tears welled up in Shuichi's eyes as he took a seat next to Eiri on the couch. "I know you don't care, but I have feelings. Sometimes I need to talk about them."

Eiri sat quietly, listening to what Shu had to say. He took the jacket and dropped it to the floor, thinking once more about Touma. "I know," he muttered.

"If you know that then why are you trying to dictate what I do?" Shuichi asked while shooting a glare to Eiri.

After pondering the answer the the question for a bit Eiri sighed. "Because I'm self-centered. I don't care about the consequences you might face, only the ones I do," he responded in a delicate tone. Eiri looked over to Shuichi with gentle eyes. "I know you're hurting because of me. I'm sorry, Shuichi."

At the sound of his name being spoken by Eiri, Shuichi felt a sense of comfort. He sighed and looked away. "It's okay. It's not your fault." Shu believed deep down that all of this was completely his fault. He could have tried to do anything other than sitting on his ass watching his husband's impact against that car. Quite often Shu felt haunted by the imagery in his mind. Why? Why did he freeze up and let his life slip away from him?

"I really just should have died," Eiri mumbled as he gently pushed his glasses up his nose.

Shuichi quickly looked up to Eiri with a couple tears gliding down his cheeks. "Why would you say something like that?"

Looking to Shuichi with a blank expression, Eiri shrugged. "Don't you think you'd rather I not be here at all instead of me not remembering who you are?" He asked.

"Eiri, it doesn't matter if you lost your memories if you're still here. You dying would have been the worst possible outcome," Shu insisted. Starting at Eiri, Shuichi's eyes were glimmering behind tears that were building up. "I'm self-centered, too. I want you in this world even if you don't want to be."

A small smirk formed on Eiri's lips to Shuichi's comment. Slowly he reached his injured arm out and shakily brought his hand to Shu's face to wipe a tear away. It was nice to hear his existence was wanted from someone other than a family member. It was obvious to Eiri that Shuichi didn't have any obligation to love him; he just did. "Don't be such a crybaby," he said softly as his hand caressed Shuichi's cheek.

Shu could feel the trembling in Eiri's hand, knowing it was difficult for Eiri to have complete control and maneuverability. He placed his hand over Eiri's and slowly pulled it down from his face, and brought it to his lap to gently hold it. "I can't help but feel like I could have prevented all this."

"You think you could have stopped a car in it's tracks?" Eiri asked with an amused grin.

Thinking back on the day off Eiri's accident Shu recalled how many times he asked if Eiri was doing okay that morning. He should have seen the signs and just ordered to go alone. "You weren't doing okay before we left," he began to explain. "You should have stayed home. You told me it was his a headache and I believed it. I should have known better."

"So, what? Now you're going to think anyone with a headache is going to have something horrible happen to them?" Eiri mocked.

Shuichi looked down to the floor with shame and let go of Eiri's hand. He thought maybe he could open up just the smallest bit to Eiri about everything, but he should have known he'd be degraded for his feelings. After being married for a few years Eiri would still ridicule Shuichi for his emotions, but it didn't hurt as much when he knew he was still loved. Now that Eiri saw Shuichi just the same as any random person on the street it just felt cruel.

Irritated that Shuichi took away his hand and deprived him of contact, Eiri sharply exhaled out of his nose. "What? Did I upset you?" He asked while running his hand down Shu's thigh, stopping at the knee.

"N-no," Shu stuttered, watching the blonde's hand. "I just think I could have prevented all of this."

Scooting closer to Shuichi, Eiri's hand slowly traveled back up his thigh. "You don't have to blame yourself," he commented quietly as he watched his own hand traveling Shuichi's leg.

"If you say so," Shu muttered in response. He didn't understand what Eiri wanted from him. He acted like he couldn't care less about Shuichi's feelings, but was almost consoling him at the same time. Confusion was the last thing Shuichi needed right now but the feeling of Eiri touching him again was just too hard to resist. Looking back up to Eiri's face Shuichi found himself wishing that he could freeze time and live in this moment for just a while longer.

Noticing Shuichi beginning to stare, Eiri directed his gaze to the sad face before him. He couldn't help but think to himself that Tatsuha was right about Shuichi being cute. The sadness in the other man's eyes made Eiri feel inspired to fix the world around him despite how much he didn't want to care. There was that damn pulling feeling in Eiri's stomach again. It was like his body yearned to be closer to Shuichi, trying to draw him in. Slowly, Eiri moved his face in closer to Shu's, his hand giving a light squeeze on the vocalist's thigh. "I do say so," he said in a soft voice before leaning in further to capture Shuichi's lips in a gentle kiss. He pulled away too soon to Shuichi's dismay and took a deep breath, keeping his face close.

"Eiri," Shu whimpered. "What do you want?"

It was a good question that Eiri wasn't sure how to answer. He knew he wanted physical contact, but he didn't understand any feelings that came with that desire. Eiri wasn't sure why he cared that Shuichi cried in front of him or why he would tell him that he was sorry. The last thing Eiri wanted was to force himself to be with somebody he didn't love or even know, but he didn't feel forced by anything but his own emotions driving him to be here. "Well," he began while still trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "I want to get my dick wet," he put bluntly, his hand slowly sliding up from Shu's thigh to his waist. Pulling Shuichi closer, Eiri looked down to Shuichi's lips. "And I know you want me," he added.

Thoughts rang loud in Shuichi's head, telling him that he was only an object and that Eiri cared about nothing but getting laid. On the other hand would it really be so terrible to be used? He missed Eiri so much and he never thought he'd never get to feel him inside of him again. "Why don't you get pick up some chick? You've never had problems with that."

Eiri's eye twitched a little to the question. He didn't want to have to answer it, but sighed before doing so. "I don't want some chick. I want you."

Feeling like he was about to melt to those words, Shuichi tried to keep composure as he tried to scoot away from Eiri. He was only meet with Eiri's grip tightening and pulling him right back. Eiri's face hovered in front of Shuichi's, his honey eyes looking straight at him over his glasses which had slipped down his nose some. "Eiri," Shu started nervously, "If you just saw me randomly out on the street you wouldn't look twice at me. I don't know how but I convinced you into loving me," he said sadly. He sighed and leaned his head down on Eiri's shoulder. He looked down at Eiri's lap, tears starting to fall from his eyes. "I can't force you to feel anything for me, and having sex with you right now would just feel empty and depressing."

Eiri started to become frustrated, but did his best to stay calm and not be a prick. In a quick motion he put his hand under Shu's chin and brought his head back up. "I need you," he stated sincerely. "I don't know why, and I wish I didn't. I just do." Once more, Eiri claimed Shuichi's lips in a kiss. As their lips came together Eiri's arms coiled around Shu's waist and he pulled the other man into his lap. Submitting to the kiss, Shuichi's eyes drifted closed and his hands slithered up Eiri's chest.

Eiri broke away from the kiss and rested his forehead against Shuichi's. One of his hands slowly went under the bottom of Shu's shirt and trailed up his bare back. Shuichi shuddered to the light tickle and his eyes slowly opened to gaze upon what he viewed as a god sitting before him. It felt like heaven being told that he was needed and he could almost feel every lonely and miserable day fade away into the back of his memories. It was almost as though he felt like he could truly be himself again and not have to hide behind fake smiles for the rest of his life. Maybe he could stop feeling as though he was constantly haunted by losing the best thing in his life and actually get it back.

Eiri's finger lightly traced shapes on Shuichi's back as he wondered what the other was thinking. He jumped a little as the loud ring of Shuichi's phone went off. Shuichi sighed and pulled away from Eiri, looking stopping for where his phone was. "Ignore it," Eiri growled.

"I really shouldn't," Shuichi responded while getting up off of Eiri. He grabbed his phone from the table in front of the couch and looked down to the caller ID. "It's Touma," he announced.

"Ignore it," Eiri repeated.

Shuichi shook his head and sighed. "I can't ignore him. If I do he'll just show up."

Eiri grabbed his coat and stood up. "You're driving me crazy," he sneered. He put on his coat and shot Shuichi a glare before walking to the front door of the apartment. As he put this shoes on Shuichi answered his phone and walked up to Eiri. He placed his hand on the blonde's shoulder and Eiri looked back to him. He watched as Shu listened to Touma and mouthed the words, 'don't go'. Eiri scoffed and left Shu's apartment, slamming the door behind himself.

Grumblings came from Eiri as he angrily walked down the stairs to the lobby of the apartment complex. He felt like such a fool. One look into Shuichi's eyes and he could feel himself wishing for a miracle of getting back his memory. What if that damn brat was something meaningful to Eiri? Could it really be so wrong to want to love somebody who genuinely cared about him? Eiri didn't understand how Shuichi had this control over him and he didn't like it. There shouldn't be any reason for resonating feelings, right? They were gone and Eiri felt he should have been fine with that. But the second he saw Shuichi answer the door the night before he knew his life would change. As Eiri left the building he thought to himself that maybe he should just drink away his thoughts.

* * *

 _'I'm so tired. Tired of everyone telling me what choices I should be making. I feel shackled to everyone's expectations and I hate it. I don't need to listen to them, right? It's not like I'm a child who needs people over protecting me. Just leave me the fuck alone. This feels weird, almost wrong. What am I doing? Wait, isn't this what I wanted? How much did I drink? I just want to prove them wrong, maybe this is how. I wonder what he's doing right now. Is he thinking about me? Ugh… Why do I even care? Maybe I should focus more on what I'm doing? Fuck, not like it matters. I could fall asleep right now and it would probably go unnoticed… Because all they care about is my name. Not like him…_ '

Eiri's drunken ramblings in his mind came to a halt as he grunted and flopped over onto his bed.

"You're done?" Came the soft voice of a woman.

Picking his head up slightly to look over at the woman, Eiri gave her a blank stare. Her short messy brunette hair reminded him of Shuichi's haircut. Her dark red lips were smudged from her lipstick. "Yeah," he muttered. "You can sleep here if you want, just leave me alone," he demanded as he laid his head back down. Eiri listened as the woman shuffled around and laid down. He really just wished that she would just go away.

A few hours of restless sleep passed before Eiri slowly opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings . The woman from last night was still laying next to him and still sleeping. A cringe formed on Eiri's face as he stared at her, wondering why he bothered telling her that she could stay. Glancing over to an alarm clock on his night stand he sighed, knowing Touma would likely show up at any moment. Eiri carefully got out of bed and picked up his pants that had been thrown carelessly to the ground last night. He put his pants on as he hopped out of the bedroom.

Rubbing his head, Eiri kept his eyes down to the floor. They quickly darted up as he heard the snicker of his older sister. Not ready to start the day off with Mika lecturing him, Eiri ignored her as he walked past her sitting on the couch, making his way to the kitchen to brew some coffee.

"So, you finally cracked?" Mika called out to him.

Eiri scoffed as he pulled down coffee grounds from a cabinet. He continued to ignore his sister, really not wanting to discuss anything with her. Figuring she already heard everything Tatsuha had to say already, he had nothing to add.

"So what did you think?" Mika asked as she came up behind Eiri. "Did you like him?" The sound of Eiri's bedroom door creaking open caught her attention and an all knowing getting formed on her face. "Ooh, I guess you did, little brother?" She teased as she turned around to see what she assumed was Shuichi. Her face quickly shifted to a glare as she saw a woman standing before her, wearing nothing but one of Eiri's button up shirts.

"Oh, hello," the other woman said with a slightly confused tone.

Mika quickly spun around to look at her brother who was just nonchalantly making his coffee. "Eiri, that's not Shuichi," she growled.

"Why would you expect it to be?" Eiri responded with a sigh, pressing a couple buttons on his coffee maker. The sound of brewing filled the apartment while Mika contemplated the situation before her.

"Should I leave?" The woman asked nervously.

Without looking back at her, Mika quickly answered with, "yes, go."

The woman nodded and went back to Eiri's room to get dressed. After waiting for the woman to leave Mika let out a long sigh. "Eiri," she said softly.

As his coffee finished brewing, Eiri grabbed a mug from a cabinet and began to pour himself a cup. Continuing to ignore Mika, he walked passed her with his cup and made his way to his office. Taking a seat at his desk, the blonde set his coffee down on a black wicker coaster next to his glasses. To his dismay his sister followed close behind.

"So you didn't like Shuichi?" Mika instantly asked.

Eiri sighed. "Can you just go away?" He mumbled in response.

"Tell me what happened, Eiri," Mika requested as she walked up behind her brother. She placed a hand on his shoulder and gently rubbed her thumb against it.

Eiri jerked away from Mika and stood up angrily. He glared down at his sister, fighting the urge to dare let any water build up in his eyes. "He didn't want me, okay?" He yelled. He could feel himself failing as the tears began to well up in his eyes. "He's the only person who has looked at me with a sincere face these last few months, but he still rejected me," he explained as the tears began to slide down his cheeks. Eiri didn't really understand why he was upset. He didn't know why he felt like he needed Shuichi's affections, but he hated how it tortured him.

Mika looked at her brother with a sad gaze, thinking of anything she could possibly say to make Eiri stop crying. As much as her brothers drove her crazy she could never stand the sight of either of them in pain. She felt as though it was her duty as the eldest to keep any harm and sorrow away from them. Pulling Eiri into a hug which he willingly accepted, Mika said nothing while her brother quietly cried into her shoulder.

* * *

 _To be continued..._

 _Thank you for reading._


	5. Plagued

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes.

* * *

A loud ringing noise echoed through Eiri's head, feeling like it was creating ripples in his brain. He laid in his bed on his back, looking up at his dull white ceiling through his glasses. Mika had left with her husband not too long ago after hours of sitting with Eiri and talking with him. Thinking back to all the things she said, Eiri wondered if she knew what she was talking about. She insisted that Shuichi cared for Eiri and loved him, but why would he reject Eiri's advances if that was really the case? Eiri pondered if maybe love was more than just sex which made him scoff. Eiri was never interested in having one person around all the time to annoy him. He always wanted at most a week of the same person's company before moving on to the next after an appropriate time of being alone. Pinpointing the reason he craved Shuichi's affections was proving to be a difficult task for the novelist. Why didn't his career path give him any insight to his situation? The realization that his writing only portrayed the superficial kind of love lonely people swooned over hit Eiri as he rolled over onto his side. He looked at the blank wall before him and sighed before slowly getting up.

Adjusting his glasses while walking to his office Eiri was cursing under his breath about Shuichi. After stumbling into his office he took a seat at his desk and turned his computer on. His gaze drifted down to a beat up pack of cigarettes lying on his desk. Hastily, he grabbed the pack and dug out a cigarette. He put it between his lips and grabbed a lighter sitting next to his ashtray. Lighting up, he looked back over to his computer screen and took a long drag. He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and held it between his index and middle finger as he placed one hand on his keyboard and the other on his mouse. He opened his working documents and scanned through the words in front of him. Without taking another drag from his cigarette he crushed it down into his ashtray and quickly began to type. The image of Shuichi's face was burned into Eiri's mind as his fingers danced across his keyboard, for once in his life putting his own feelings into words.

After about an hour had passed, Eiri was pulled away from his writing at the urge of needed nicotine. He grabbed a cigarette and lit it up as he began to scan over the words he had written. With a twitching eyebrow Eiri wondered to himself where this mind had went. "Garbage," he muttered around the cigarette resting in his lips. Eiri silently finished his cigarette while staring blankly at the bright computer screen. As he crushed his cigarette down into his ashtray he stood up and removed his glasses, tossing them to the desk.

With careful steps Eiri made his way to his living room. His body twinged with pain still occurring from his accident. He looked over to his table where a prescription bottle was. His gaze slowly went from the bottle of pills to a cane resting up against his couch. Most days started with a decision between the two for Eiri. He could handle one or the other, but using both made him feel weak. For the first month he was out of the hospital the daily choice was easy. He was taking his pain killers multiple times a day but despised the way they made him feel. Sure, it was nice to dull the pain or at least make him not care as much about the pain, but they made him more irritable than usual. Sounds would make his ears twitch, his skin felt itchy and dry, and his stomach never enjoyed it even if he made sure to take his medication with food. His brother in-law suggested yogurt but that was something Eiri could never get past the texture of. Staring at his cane, Eiri sighed knowing that today would be another day he was forced to feel pathetic. He begrudgingly walked over to the cane and took a hold of it with his weakened left hand. As he braced himself to begin walking he wondered to himself if he would ever feel whole again before quickly trying to banish those thoughts.

* * *

Shuichi's mind slowly drifted awake, though his eyes refused to open yet. Immediately, thoughts of Eiri began to plague his mind. He tried so hard to convince himself that a relationship with Eiri would never work again and that it was meaningless to even try. Shu could never find happiness with Eiri again and he had to try to forget and move on. Things would never be the same and he had to continuously remind himself that chapter of his life was over. Was it okay for him to simply accept that? Or was it something that everyone around him expected of him? Shu wished so badly that he could say to hell with anybody besides him and Eiri in the situation, but if push came to shove Seguchi and Mika would make sure that Shuichi did nothing to try and involve himself in Eiri's life. Shu honestly didn't know what Mika and Seguchi wanted for either of the men. He could only predict that Seguchi wanted a distance between the two.

Thoughts of depression and separation slowly mutated in Shu's mind to thoughts of being close to Eiri. He could remember exactly how soft Eiri's skin was, and where every little freckle was. The memory of Eiri's scent and the sound of his voice when he was being intimate with Shu was strong. The more Shuichi thought of Eiri's physical aspects he could feel his skin tingling. A wave of warmth washed though his body and he could feel his heart beating faster. Shuichi took a deep breath in through his nostrils and exhaled slowly out of his mouth in a poor attempt to try and calm himself down. He hated that he wanted what he couldn't and shouldn't have, but damn did he want to give into those desires more than anything.

The sound of a key entering his front door and slowly turning brought Shu back to reality. Knowing that Hiro was the only one with a spare key to his apartment he sighed and remembered he had engagements today. Shuichi dreaded the thought of getting out of bed and being apart of the world. It was hard for Shu, but he felt it was in his and Eiri's best interest to keep a distance and he didn't want to drag himself anywhere while trying to come to terms with that decision. As the sound of the front door opening and closing, Shu braced himself for the day ahead. Light footsteps made their way to Shu's bedroom and Shuichi could hear a quiet scoff coming from his friend.

"Get the hell up," came the annoyed voice of Hiroshi as he stood at the side of Shuichi's bed. Shu opened his eyes and looked up to his friend who was giving an irritated stare. Hiro slowly crossed his arms in front of his chest and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Come on," Hiro grunted as he turned his back to Shu and left the bedroom.

Shuichi blinked his eyes hard a few times in an attempt to stop them from burning. Letting out a small yawn he pushed himself up to a sitting position and looked down at the clothes he had worn last night on the ground next to his bed. He picked up his garments and gave them a light sniff before deciding they were fine enough to wear again. As he got out of bed and began to dress himself he could hear the mumbling voice of Hiroshi coming from the living room. He could hear a few select words and assumed he was talking to Suguru. Walking out of his bedroom he glanced up to Hiro who was talking on a cellphone. Shu waited quietly for his friend to finish his conversation, slowly swaying back and forth to simply give his brain something to concentrate on.

Hanging up and turning to Shuichi, Hiro shook his head slowly. "You know I'm not a taxi service, right? You should have been in an hour and a half ago," he lectured.

"I'm sorry," Shu responded in a gravelly voice. He cleared his throat to clear the phlegm and spoke again, "I just forgot is all."

Hiro put his left hand on his hip and eyed his friend up and down a couple of times before asking, "You alright?"

Shu nodded and gave a small smile. "Yeah, fine. Just feeling a little sick," he lied. Shu brushed some hair from his face and forced a small chuckle. "Let me just run a comb through this mop and I'll be ready to go."

"If you say so," Hiro said as he watched Shu shuffle his way to the bathroom.

Looking at himself in the mirror, Shuichi simply ran his fingers through the front of his hair a couple times and called it good. He didn't want to be bothered today. He didn't want to do anything except try to sleep as long as he possibly could to pass the time. He didn't want to put on smiles and talk to his co-workers. All he could do was think about yesterday. Part of him had wished he had given in to Eiri's desires but he just knew he couldn't bring himself to do it. Feeling as though Eiri just wanted to try to remember anything he could, Shuchi just couldn't help Eiri try to remember that way. As much as he wished he could do anything to help his husband remember him, Shuichi felt almost like he'd be taking advantage of the situation. Remembering that responsibilities fell on his shoulders, Shuichi took one last small glance at himself in the mirror before heading back to Hiro.

"You look exactly the same." Hiro commented as Shu came back.

Shuichi shook his head. "You just don't have an eye for detail, clearly," he retorted, trying his best to seem like his usual self. He didn't want to answer questions let alone hear them. After spending hours the previous night asking himself all the questions he needed to be asked he was exhausted and hurting from a lot of the answers he eventually gave himself.

"Again I find myself saying if you say so," Hiro chuckled. "Now let's get going, shall we?"

Nodding, Shuichi grabbed his coat from the coach, and his backpack from the floor in front of the couch. His gaze met with a small business card on the table that read the name of the man who had hit Eiri. Shu quickly tried to abolish any thoughts from Eiri and put his coat and backpack on. "Ready," he said with a small smile. The two left the apartment and left the building to Hiro's motorcycle.

* * *

"Do you really think that we all have the time to just sit around waiting on you all day?" Suguru growled as Shuichi and Hiro entered a small conference room. "Honestly, I don't care what's going on in your personal life. If you say you're going to work then I expect you to hold to that," Suguru added with a small glare directed at Shuichi.

"Now, now," Hiro began as he walked up to the small table and took a seat. "He's here now and that's all that matters, right?" the guitarist asked as he motioned for Shuichi to take a seat next to him.

Shuichi did as instructed while taking off his backpack and placing it on the floor next to him. He gave Suguru a nervous smile. "I'm really sorry, Fujisaki. I just overslept is all, but I actually got some decent rest. Wouldn't you call that a plus?" he asked with a shaky chuckle.

"The bags under your eyes would suggest otherwise," came Suguru's snarky response. "Nevermind that, let's see what you've been working on."

Shuichi resisted the urge to grimace at Suguru. It was easy to lie to Hiroshi. Even if Hiro didn't believe the lie he knew when Shuichi needed space from the truth. Suguru was nothing like that. He would constantly call Shuichi on his shit and while most of the time that was something Shuichi found admirable, he just couldn't handle it right now. Shu snapped himself out of it and reached down to grab his backpack. He placed it in his lap and quickly zipped it open and pulled out a notebook. He tossed his backpack back down to the floor and flipped through the book. After finding the page he wanted he placed the notebook on the table and gently slid it over to Suguru. After doing so, Shu stood up and shifted his weight back and forth. "While you read I'm going to the bathroom," he announced before turning and leaving.

Slowly walking through the hall, Shuichi rubbed his eyes and let out a quiet yawn. As he removed his hand from his face he looked up to see Seguchi and Mika speaking to each other in front of the elevator. Shu quickly tried to avert his gaze before being noticed, but he had been too late. Mika gave Shuichi a stern look as she kept herself from walking up to the boy and giving him an earful. Shuichi quickened his pace and made his way into the men's room and let out a breath of relief. Worrying that Eiri had discussed some of the things that had been going on between them he didn't want to face anyone from the family. As Shu walked up to the sink he looked at himself in the mirror. Instantly seeing the bags Suguru had spoken of, he let out a sigh.

"Time heals all wounds, right?" Shu asked out loud before turning on the facet and watching the water stream out. Cupping his hands, he let some of the cold water fill up before closing his eyes tightly and splashing his face. He let out a loud exhale and turned the faucet back off. Looking up into the mirror again, he watched as small water droplets slid down his face. His ears tingled to the sound of a flushing toilet filling the silent room followed by the metal clicking sound of a stall door unlocking. Shuichi kept his eyes on the mirror, waiting to see who would come out of the stall.

"You can't just rely on the passage of time to fix your pain," came a sullen voice as the door slowly creaked open. The gaze of Ryuichi met Shuichi's eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

Shuichi turned to look his idol in the face directly. "What do you mean by that?" he asked nervously.

"Shuichi," Ryu began, "If you just expect the problem and your feeling to dissipate all on their own you're going to allow yourself to suffer so much more than you should." Ryuichi came up next to Shuichi at the sink and began to wash his hands. "You can't run forever. It will all catch you in the end."

Shuichi watched as his friend turned the faucet off and vigorously shook any excess water from his hands. As long as he had known Ryuichi, be it the bubbly kid at heart, or the seriousness he could adorne on stage he had never heard such poignant words come from Ryu's mouth. "What do you mean?" He asked shakily.

Ryu shook his head and gave Shuichi the most non Ryuichi face Shu had even seen. There was a weird mix of anguish and hope in the vocalists face that was feeling like a mystery. "Shuichi… You need help," Ryu commented in a cautious tone.

Shuichi gave his friend a nervous smile with a dismissive wave of his had. "Oh, Ryu. I have help, my friends have been a really good support system for me. I think that I'd be lost without them," Shu explained as his gaze fell back down the the sink. He watched as beads of water slowly trickled their way down to the drain. A part of him wished he could be one of those tiny droplets being cast away and no longer needed.

"That's not the kind of help that I'm talking about and I think you know that," Ryu responded with a stern face. "Shuichi, you need to talk to a professional. You need to get off your chest the things you're too afraid to tell the people you care about. You want everybody to believe you're strong enough to suffer through this traumatic event."

Quickly looking back up at Ryu, Shuichi gave a small laugh. "I'm not the one who suffered a traumatic event, Eiri is," he answered while slowly drawing his eyes down to his own hands.

"No," came the gruff response. "You both are going through this. Having it happen to you is one thing all on its own, of course. But to watch the person you love, the person you want to grow old with be struck in the way he was… To have the blood on your hands and panicking. Will he live? Will he die? That on its own is terrifying. But to have him live and not remember your lives together?" Ryuichi took a long pause and put his hand on Shuichi's shoulder in a consoling way. "Time doesn't heal that wound. I don't know if anything ever will fully heal for you. But the first step to trying to feel better is getting help."

Shuichi looked back up to Ryu, his eyes glistening from moisture that threatened to form tears which would cover his cheeks. "I was always told therapy is for weak people who can't just put up with day to day life."

Ryuichi scoffed at the comment and gave Shuichi the most earnest look he could. "Real weakness, Shuichi… Is needing help and never being man enough to admit it. True strength comes from taking action and realizing you can't do this all on your own. I think the strongest thing a person can do is seek therapy for the things they want to better their life in."

Looking at the sincerity of his friends face and hearing such conviction in his words, the stigma of therapy slightly lessened in Shuichi's mind. "Ryuichi," Shu began before taking an uncomfortable pause to decide if he really felt like it was appropriate to ask this question, "Ryu, have you gone to therapy?"

Ryuichi's hand slowly slid down Shuichi's shoulder to his arm. He gave a light squeeze and nodded his head. "But I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I got help. I got outside perspectives. I got a forum in which I could say anything I needed to and not feel judged or like I'm a horrible person for having some bad thoughts." Ryu used his grip on Shu's arm to pull him into a hug. "You are never alone, but you need help that we can't give you."

The feeling of Ryu's body against his own made Shuichi feel comforted in a way he hadn't felt in months. He never would have guessed that the person to really slap him in the face with reality would have been Ryuichi. All this time Shuichi made everything about Eiri. How Eiri was recovering, how Eiri felt towards the situation, how Eiri needed vengeance on the world for doing this to him. But not once outside of feeling lonely and missing Eiri did Shuichi realize how much this whole ordeal was really making him feel. He wrapped his arms tight around Ryuichi and his hands grasped at his shirt, clutching on for what felt like dear life. Maybe Ryu was right. Maybe all the negative slander he was raised to believe about therapy was all wrong and his family kept him from something that could have benefited him a few times in his life. Therapy. Just the word on its own rang through Shuichi's head like a smoke alarm you just couldn't get to stop beeping. After moments of enjoying the silent embrace, Shu finally spoke up, "Maybe you're right."

Ryuichi pulled away from the hug and gave his friend a sad smile. "The first time is the hardest. But I know you, Shuichi. You can power through anything if you are dedicated. And I think you're dedicated to living a life you deserve. I know Eiri is all you see in your world, but there used to be a time where music was all you saw. Channel it all into you music."

Shuichi jumped a little at the mention of music. "I really should get back to Hiro and Fujisaki, they're waiting on me."

With a nod Ryuichi pulled away from Shu and gave him a reassuring grin. "Go kick some ass, Shuichi."

Shuichi gave a weak smile with a thumbs up before exiting the bathroom. He quickly darted his eyes around to see if Mika was still around. To his relief both her and her husband weren't to be seen so he quickly made his way back to the conference room. He slowly creaked open the door and peered inside to see the expression on Suguru's face. All he could make from it was confusion and worry. He fully entered the room and closed the door behind him, awaiting the instant rejection from Suguru.

"What… What is this?" Suguru asked while holding up the notebook of Shuichi's writing.

Shuichi took a small inhale to boost his confidence before informing, "Those, Fujisaki, are my feelings put to paper."

Hiroshi looked between his two fellow bandmates before speaking up, "I like it. It's got heart."

"It's a plague!" Suguru yelled as he stood up, slamming his hands down on the table. "This isn't Bad Luck. This is plagued thoughts that you just want the rest of the world to see so they can pity you."

Shuichi shot a deep glare straight into Suguru's eyes. "Guess what, Fujisaki? I have always written what I feel. The last few years of my life have been bliss. It was so easy to write an inspiring love song when you had a love that made you feel overwhelming completeness. But now what do I have, Fujisaki?"

The keyboardist remained silent, not knowing how to handle Shuichi's outburst. Usually his outbursts were over such trivial things but Suguru couldn't deny that this was a life changing time for Shu.

"I have fucking nothing. It would have been one thing if on his own free will Eiri came to the conclusion that he didn't want to be with me anymore. But he never had those thoughts! We belonged to each other in our own messed up and maybe even dysfunctional way and that was taken from us." Shuichi welled with anger and the only impulse in his body was to become violent. Slamming his fist down as hard as he could on the conference table, Shuichi continued with his rant, "That goddamn Ken Amano took my life... Eiri's life away."

Hiroshi's eyebrows raised in intrigue to Shuichi's last statement. "You remember the guy's name?"

Shuichi quickly shot a nasty look to his best friend. "If it happened to you, wouldn't you remember the son of a bitch's name?"

Nervously raising his hands up in defense, Hiro gave Shuichi a kind smile. "I wouldn't know. I can't say I know what it feels like. I'm not judging you, Shuichi. I'm just wondering if maybe you're holding onto something that you can't bring yourself to say."

Shuichi let out a cackle as he put his head down in what felt like shame. "You're right, you're both right. I'm plagued with so many things that I am still holding onto." He looked back up to his bandmates, doing his best to maintain dry eyes. "I truly appreciate everything you two have done for me through all this hardship, I really do. But it's not enough."

At this point Hiroshi could feel himself becoming agitated. "So you're saying that even though we've been bending over backwards to do everything we can for you, we still aren't doing enough?" Hiro stood up abruptly and took a step towards Shuichi. "What do you want us to do now? Bathe you? Wipe your goddamn ass for you? What will please you lord Shuichi?" He asked with sarcastic anger in his voice.

Shuichi chuckled at his friend's questions. "It's nothing like that, Hiro. I've relied on you guys so much and like I said, I'm grateful. But it hasn't been the right kind of help. You guys have been functioning for me and what I need is to function for myself. Does that make sense?"

Fujisaki and Hiroshi remained silent for a few seconds, sharing a look with one another. After enough awkward silence filled the room, Hiroshi decided to speak up. "I think you should do what's best for you, Shuichi." Hiro's gaze fixed on Suguru, wondering what the keyboardist would say.

Suguru stood up and placed the notebook down in front of him on the table. "What are you going to call this mess?" He asked, referring to the song.

Thinking for a little while, Shuichi's lips formed into a satisfied smile. "I like what you had to say about it. It's a plague."

Both Suguru and Hiro raised an eyebrow to the suggestion but kept silent and asked no questions about it. Hiroshi in particular understood where his friend was coming from and knew that Shuichi needed this time to really let himself reflect what he was he was going through inside his mind. A sharp toned jingle came from Shuichi's pocket and he could feel the rhythmic vibration informing him that it was a call. He slowly reached down into his pocket and pulled out the phone. After reading Eiri's name on the caller ID he gave himself a private smile and put the phone back into his pocket.

* * *

A/N: Hope you enjoyed feel free to leave comments, suggestions, or critiques. Hop to see you next chapter.


	6. Therapy

_Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes._

 _Hope you enjoy._

* * *

The annoying screech of Shuichi's voicemail blasted into Eiri's ear as he pulled the phone away from his face in disgust. He quickly hung up the phone and placed it down on his office desk. Looking back at the last thing he had written he found himself cringing at what he puked up in terms of feelings. Slowly reaching out to his mouse he selected everything that he had worked on that morning and moved his hand over to hover above the delete button. Scanning the words for one last time, Eiri shook his head and slammed his finger down on the delete button. He looked back over to his phone, wondering if Shuichi would call him back or if Eiri had scared him off with his forward advances. All Eiri wanted was to try and feel what he had felt before. He didn't like not being able to remember what some form of happiness or sense of feeling content in life was like. The most he could remember right now is that he hated being in New York because of Kitazawa. He wondered how on earth some young kid could get him to move past that pain. He also found himself wondering if that was just something he had convinced everybody of and he really hadn't let go and chose to live in silence of the situation.

At this point in time Eiri could honestly tell himself that he didn't give a damn about Shuichi. Where he gave a damn was trying to piece together the fragmented and hazy memories of his life. He was sick and tired of his older sister trying to convince him that he was better off, and happier. To him it was like telling a person that they lived up to so much, but now it's being ripped away from them and they could never have all that glory back and for no good reason. Eiri wanted nothing more than to always be in control of his life and what he chose to let into his life. Knowing that about himself made him so infuriated that he went against so many things he believed in to share his life with a man. A man with a frivolous choice in career, no less.

Thinking back on how Shuchi was a vocalist he remembered seeing a DVD of a performance by Bad Luck sitting near his TV. Every part of his mind told him not to get up, but the blonde couldn't resist the urge to go out into the living room and find the DVD. Eiri stared down at the cover image, in particular looking at Shuichi. His eyes traced every bit of the boy that he possibly could, searching anywhere in his brain for something to trigger a distant memory. Letting out a sigh, Eiri popped open the case and pulled the disc out. He pressed the eject button on his DVD player and placed the disc in before shutting the tray closed. He walked back over to his couch and took a seat, leaning forward to grab the remote. Pressing play on the screen menu he waited eagerly to watch what everybody referred to as Eiri's husband.

Eiri watched as Shuichi tightly grasped his microphone with a smirk gracing his face, bright lights dancing across the stage. The boy gently swayed his hips to the sound of the song's intro and Eiri couldn't help but stay fixated on that detail. "He moves like a woman," Eiri spoke aloud as he continued to stare. Soon the sound of Shuichi's voice filled Eiri's ears and his gaze moved up to Shu's face.

 _'The cold times make dreams fall like rain and slip through my hands. When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering illusion... The silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.'_ **1**

Those lyrics Eiri was hearing made him wonder about how he treated Shuichi in their past. Eiri had no issues admitting that he was a complete asshole. He wouldn't be surprised if he was just the exact same way to Shuichi that he was to everyone else. The last part rang through his head. 'The silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.' Eiri wondered if he ever strung Shuichi along by just giving him a smile. He had known that to happen with many women. Hell, there were times where he felt that just giving a person eye contact would make them feel as though he was flirting with them. Eiri broke away from his inner monologue and continued to watch the band's performance. He couldn't deny that there was a physical attraction to Shuichi. He was petite with soft features. He had such soft and clear skin with hair that framed his face perfectly. Shuichi's sharp eyes gave Eiri the feeling of determination which made sense as an attribute if Shu was able to lock down Eiri.

Eiri couldn't help but notice the amount of navel Shuichi was showing off in his wardrobe choice and he could feel a small rush of blood flowing down to his nether regions. Looking down at his crotch and seeing a raising motion forming in his pants Eiri could feel himself becoming nervous and blushing. "Fuck this," he muttered as he turned the TV off and stood up. He cleared his throat in attempt to remind himself of how he thought he was behaving irrationally. Looking back down at his pants he sighed and made his way to the bathroom. Eiri walked to the shower and turned the cold faucet before undressing himself. He took a sharp breath in before slowing tip-toeing into the shower. A loud grunt of displeasure came from Eiri as he tried to suck it up and let the cold water wash over his body.

Cursing at himself for how easily he could become aroused, Eiri told himself that it had nothing to do with Shuichi as a person. Convincing himself that it was merely the provocative attire and the motions Shuichi was making with his slender body, Eiri watched as his erection began to lessen. He began to ask himself how Shuichi was able to make any sales with that pointless drivel. It seemed that the more he tried to belittle Shuichi the more he could try and not let his forgotten past haunt him.

* * *

About a week since Ryuichi had suggested therapy, Shuichi found himself sitting nervously in a cushioned chair that seemed way too large. He felt as though the chair would suddenly come to life and swallow him whole. He looked down at the brown and orange floral pattern that covered the chair and began to lightly trace the pattern with his index finger. The texture felt rough and the stimulation made him feel slightly more comforted. Almost forgetting for a moment where he was, Shuichi's attention was drawn back to the woman sitting across from him. She looked no older than 40, with long fluffy black hair covering down to most of her torso. Shuichi could see that there was some sort of print on her shirt, but he couldn't make it out at all with the woman's mane hiding it. He looked up to trace the lines of her face. She had a very narrow face, with her chin coming down to a fine point. Her nose was small with the slightest up curve at the end. She had dark brown eyes that seemed to have little flecks of black in random places. Her mouth was glimmering from her lip gloss, and Shu could see the smile wrinkles at the corners of her mouth. He continued to stare at the woman uncomfortably, not knowing if he was supposed to say anything.

At Shuichi's great relief the woman spoke up. "My name is Janette. I understand you're here today to see if therapy is something you feel that you can benefit from?" She asked in an interested tone.

"Well," Shu began as he stalled to find the words he wanted to say. "I kind of feel like I'm forced to be here."

Janette quickly scribbled something down in a notebook resting in her lap and looked back up to Shuichi. "Who do you feel is forcing you to be here?" She asked as she flipped the left side of her hair behind her shoulder.

Before answering Shuichi took another look at the woman's shirt to see that there was mandala pattern on it. He looked back up to make eye contact with Janette. "Um, well, nobody really." He responded.

Janette tilted her head to the left side. "Then why do you feel like you're forced?" she inquired.

Shuichi sat in silence for a moment, looking back down to the woman's shirt. His eyes slowly followed the pattern before him as he wondered how to say what he wanted to. "I guess what I mean is, no outside sources forced me. I forced myself," Shu answered in a quiet tone.

As she wrote down a few more things in her notebook, Janette cleared her throat before asking, "Why do you feel like you're forcing yourself?"

Shuichi thought about his conditioning to believe that therapy was for crazy and weak people. He didn't know how he felt about telling this woman that he had a negative view of her profession but he thought back to how Ryuichi had told him that he could say anything and not feel judged. He let out a small sigh and looked the woman straight in the eye. "I was raised in an environment to believe that therapy is for… Well," Shuichi bit his lower lip slightly, not feeling comfortable finishing his statement.

"Mentally ill people?" Janette asked in attempt to answer Shuichi's thought.

Shuichi silently nodded and had a sheepish look on his face. "I'm sorry," he meekishly said.

"No, don't apologize for something like that. A lot of people have a hard time with the idea of therapy," Janette responded with a kind smile. "Where are you from, Mr. Shindou?"

Shuichi blinked a couple times at how easily his fear of being rude was just waved off. Just the thought made him feel like a bad person. "Um, Japan. I come to New York a lot for business and for my, um, husband. And please, call me Shuichi."

"Okay, Shuichi. Well, may I ask if your culture has anything to do with that opinion? Or was it just your family?" Janette asked while adjusting in her seat.

"Well, it is becoming a more common thing in Japan these days. However a lot of us do have a hard time with being open about feelings. My grandparents are pretty old school, and that really rubbed off on my mom. But I guess I never formed my own opinion and just followed what was around me," Shu answered as he stared down at his fidgeting hands.

"And that's just fine," Janette responded as she jotted a few more things down. "What do you do for a living?"

Shuichi chuckled. "I'm a singer in a band, and a songwriter."

One of Janette's eyebrows raised to the answer. "So would you say that you have an easy time expressing yourself?"

Shuichi thought about the question for a few moments. He knew he was the most emotional person any of his friends knew, but most of them would consider that as being dramatic. "I guess I can be dramatic, but most of my expression really only comes out in my music. It's my respite. I mean, before I could be personal with Eiri," he said sullenly.

Again, Janette was writing as she started to ask another question. "Will you tell me about your husband?"

A breath hitched in Shuichi's throat. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about Eiri even though that's what he had come for. He didn't know where to begin with that whole mess. "He's an author," he said before clearing his throat. He knew that he had answered in a way to give as little as he could. Just saying the words out loud that his husband was in an accident terrified him.

"Okay," Janette responded with a small chuckle. "What else can you tell me?"

Shuichi curled his lips in as he thought about what else to say. "Well, he's cold most of the time. But when he isn't it's the most amazing feeling in the world."

Janette wrote in her notebook once more before looking back up to Shuichi with a very serious face. "Does he abuse you?"

"Oh, no. Not at all. He just likes his space and doesn't want to be bothered a lot of the time," Shu answered with a weak smile.

Flipping back a page in her notebook, Janette's eye scanned the page before turning the page back to the one she was on and looking back to Shu. "In your paperwork you mentioned one of the reasons you were coming in was your husband. Is that because he can be cold to you?"

Shuichi looked down to his hands and fiddled his thumbs together. "Um, no." He sighed and knew that he just had to say it. He had to come to terms with what was happening in his life and actually discuss the one thing he was avoiding. "He was in an accident," Shu slowly forced out of his mouth. "He was hit by a car in the head."

Janette's eyes widened at the statement. "Oh my god," she said silently as she wrote it down. "What happened to him?" she asked as he gave Shuichi a truly saddened face.

Shuichi watched as the woman's eyes stayed focused on him. "Well, he's got a large scar on the side of his face, and he has some trouble getting around. His left hand is rather weak, and…" Shuichi took a long pause, forcing himself to gather the courage to just say it. There was no changing it, so what harm could come from just saying the words? "He doesn't remember me," he choked out, tears starting to fall from his eyes. Grabbing a box of tissues on a cheap looking black laptop table, Janette handed the box out to Shuichi. Shu quickly took the box and placed it in his lap. He pulled out a tissue to wipe his face then balled it up in his hand and looked away from Janette.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through," Janette offered in a consoling tone.

Shuichi quickly looked back up to Janette. "Hell," he put bluntly. "Every morning I wake up and the first thing I remember is holding his limp body in my arms."

"You were there when it happened?" Asked Janette as she sighed in sympathy.

Shuichi nodded, his mind flashing to the the feeling of Eiri's warm blood on his hand. He could feel his grip on the balled up tissue in his hand tightening as the memories of Eiri remaining completely motionless flooded his brain. The smell in the air that day was unforgettable to Shuichi. It was an odd mixture of the brisk fall morning and the slowly drying blood coving Eiri's face, which smelled faintly of rust. He remembered the sound of the ambulance siren as the vehicle sped to the scene. The sound of the paramedic's voices were just a mumbled blur to Shuichi. All that was in his mind was watching what he thought was the love of his life dying on the street.

Shuichi was snapped out of his thoughts as the sound of Janette's voice caught his attention. "What's going on in your mind right now?" She asked delicately.

"Blood," came Shu's short response. He could feel his hand idly rubbing and rolling around the tissue in his hands. Noticing tiny bits of the tissue breaking off, he shoved the tissue in his pants pocket and looked up to Janette. "There was a lot of blood. On him, on me, on the street. Everywhere."

Janette sat in silence as she watched Shuichi's face carefully. She looked down to her notebook and began to write once more. "How often do you think about that?"

"Multiple times a day," Shu responded as he shifted around in the large chair. "I don't really know how comfortable I feel talking about it all yet," he commented as he tried to fight back tears.

A kind smile was offered to Shuichi from Janette as she said, "That's completely fine. You can say whatever you need to say at whatever pace."

Shuichi sighed and slouched down in his chair some. "I just wish I knew how he felt, or if he knew what it was like for me to go through that. But he wouldn't care at all what I went through… He's the Eiri he was before I met him, and that Eiri hates me. Maybe not even hate, just couldn't care less about my existence," he explained as he stared down to the box of tissues sitting in his lap. He slowly pulled one from the box and dabbed under his moistened eyes.

"Have you talked to him at all about this?" Janette asked as she brushed some hair out of her face.

Shuichi shook his head. "Not really, no."

"It sounds to me like you have a lot to say," Janette commented in a soothing voice. She watched as Shuichi nodded slightly and continued, "You know, I'm willing to bet that your husband is more curious about what you have to say than you think he is."

With a raised eyebrow of confusion, Shu looked up to Janette. "Really?" he asked apprehensively, balling up the second tissue he had used and shoving it into his pocket.

"Shuichi, you say he's a cold person but I don't think that anyone wouldn't want to know about what memories they've lost no matter how cold they are to other people. I would assume he's been told things but nobody can really tell him about the life you built together except for you." Janette took a pause and watched Shuichi as she could see his left eye twitching slightly. She could feel the dread Shuichi had just by being near him. "You're free to disagree with me, but I think it would be helpful to both of you to actually sit down and have a conversation. It's going to be awkward, and he might try to dodge the conversation but there are things you both need from it. I really think you should, when you're comfortable with it that is, sit down with him and really talk about your situation."

Sitting in silence for a few moments, Shuichi really thought about what was said to him. He didn't want to try getting Eiri to talk to him. Knowing Eiri, Shu was certain that he would just be waved off. Shuichi was beginning to feel like he had lost his fighting spirit when it came to his husband. Not long ago he would eagerly push his thoughts onto Eiri and corner him into saying at least something about what he was feeling. Now though, he felt as though everything was hopeless. There was nothing more he wanted than for everything to find its way back to normal but he knew that was impossible. But how much would it really hurt him to not even bother trying? "I guess," he spoke, finally breaking the silence, "it might be worth a shot."

* * *

A little more than a week and half had passed since Eiri had tried getting in contact with Shuichi, and he felt okay with giving up on the idea entirely. Eiri felt as though he was losing nothing, even though he knew so much was missing. Knowing he had conditioned himself to disregard feelings, especially those of others, Eiri was beginning to find it easier to ignore his condition and just try to continue life as he knew it to be. Eiri began to shut out his family and keep to himself, hoping for some time to just simply exist. He was growing tired of everybody asking him if he could remember this or that, he just wanted to ask himself why he was still alive. Eiri didn't have a deathwish nor did he feel thankless that his life was spared, but he couldn't help but wonder if things would have been easier on everyone if he had died.

Wondering if he felt guilty for surviving, Eiri sighed as his phone began to ring. Simply assuming that it was Seguchi or Mika he chose to ignore the call and get up from his office desk. Slowly he shuffled his way to his couch and carefully sat down. With the sound of the phone in his office still going off he grumbled and reached forward to his coffee table. He grabbed a prescription bottle and leaned back against the couch. Scanning the words on the label, Eiri debated opening the bottle and taking a couple of his painkillers. The sound of the ringing phone came to and end only to immediately start ringing again.

"Fuck off, would you?" Eiri muttered as he slowly got up and made his way to the kitchen, clutching his pills in his hand. He reached up to a cabinet to pull down a glass and filled it with water. Placing the glass down, Eiri took one more look at the bottle of pills before popping it open and shaking two out into his hand. Placing the cap back on and setting the bottle down, he tossed both the pills in his mouth and took the water, quickly drinking at it to wash down the bitter tasting drug. As he walked back out to the living room, the sound of the phone stopping made Eiri sigh in relief. As he was about to sit back down the phone started to ring once more.

"Fine!" Eiri growled as he stumbled his way to the office. He sat down in his chair and angrily grabbed the phone, turning it on and putting it to his ear. "Could you just fuck off, Seguchi? I don't need your hippy dippy helping hands right now, I need some goddamn time to myself!" he yelled into the phone while grabbing a cigarette and hastily lighting it up.

"I'm sorry, it's Shuichi," came a very shy voice.

Eiri took a long drag from his cigarette and held it in for a couple seconds before sighing. "Sorry," he muttered in response.

"I didn't mean to be annoying," Shu quietly said.

"Yeah, you're annoying," Eiri retorted. He took another drag from his cigarette and shook his head to himself. "It's fine, did you need something?" He asked while ashing his cigarette. He found himself feeling slightly pleased that Shuichi had called him but couldn't help but be his cold self to the boy.

There was a stammer from Shuichi, followed by an awkward pause. "I was hoping that we could have a conversation," the boy answered meekly.

Eiri's left eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Then talk," he commanded.

"No," Shuichi sighed. "I mean I want to talk to you in person," he clarified.

Eiri leaned back in his chair some, causing it to make a creaking sound. "What do you want to talk to me about?" he inquired with a bemused tone.

"You just said you wanted time to yourself, but Eiri I need to talk to you about us, and about your accident," Shuichi said while gaining a little more confidence in his voice.

A scoff came from Eiri. "Why does everybody want to talk about our relationship and my goddamn accident?" he questioned angrily.

Shuichi took a long pause before finally responding, "Eiri that's all third party; I was there. I saw what happened to you, and I lived our relationship with you. And quite frankly, I have things that need to be heard by only you. I know that you couldn't care less about the memories you don't have but I do. Let me have my peace and then I can live my life and you can do the same. Please?"

Eiri thought for a moment. He found himself feeling like Shuichi had a point. Everything he was hearing was in fact all third party. Maybe it would do him some good to really talk to the person he shared the most intimate parts of his life with. "Okay," he finally replied. "I'll come over to your apartment tomorrow," he declared.

"Thank you, Eiri," Shuichi said quietly before Eiri hung up the phone.

* * *

 **1** Translated lyrics from the Gravitation song Glaring Dream.

 _Please feel free to leave any feedback, positive or negative. I hope to see you in the next chapter._


	7. Conversation

_Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gravitation. This is purely for entertainment purposes._

 _I hope you enjoy._

* * *

Shuichi sighed as he could feel his stomach churning. He looked down at his breakfast in disgust, feeling like it would be nearly impossible to eat right now. It was only an hour until Shu and Eiri's agreed meeting time but Shuichi just wanted to go to Eiri's place now and get everything over and done with. He was absolutely dreading today and began to wish that he had never called Eiri in the first place. Slowly moving his bland oatmeal around with his spoon, Shuichi sat back against his couch and tried to stop thinking about all of his anxiety. Taking a much regretted bite of his food the young man groaned quietly and leaned forward to place his bowl down on the coffee table. He choked down the bite of food in his mouth while getting up off the couch and dragging his feet to the bathroom.

Walking up to the bathroom mirror Shuichi stared at the bags under his eyes for a few moments. He thought about how that drained look used to be a sign of working hard and loving life to its fullest. However, those bags were now just a hurtful reminder of the last few months and he couldn't stand seeing himself like that. Shu began to wonder if it was worth his time and effort to even try to look nice for Eiri. He looked at the wrinkled bright orange t-shirt he was wearing with a black long sleeve shirt underneath. His beige cargo shorts had been worn the last couple of days and had an unidentifiable stain on the right leg. Deciding it didn't really matter to him what he presented himself as physically, he realised that what he was really afraid of presenting was his thoughts. Shuichi fussed with his hair just a bit before deciding he needed to sit and calm down before he headed out to Eiri's.

Shuichi made his way back to his couch and flopped down onto hard. He let out a long groan of anticipation as he thought of how he wanted to word things to Eiri. He had the sneaking suspicion that no matter how many times he thought things out he would jumble all over his words and not say anything correctly. Shu was terrified he'd say something to upset Eiri, but he tried to ignore those feelings. It shouldn't matter how Eiri reacts to anything, what should matter is that Shuichi felt like he got some sort of closure after everything he'd been through. The word closure echoed in Shuichi's mind as he wondered if closure was really possible for him and what it really meant to him. Did closure mean he would have to find a way to be happy again? Or did it simply mean acceptance? Shuichi told himself that the idea of him finding happiness once more was an impossibility and he felt like he might be able to live like that.

Sometimes Shuichi found himself wishing he had given up on Eiri at the very start. Who knows where his life would have ended up if he simply focused on his career and let love find him instead of forcing it on somebody who didn't want it. Shuichi then wondered if Eiri's life would have been the same stagnant pool for all those years if it weren't for Shu. The novelist probably would have continued needing only one night stands to sate his sexual needs and never have given love a chance.

The thought crossed Shuichi's mind that he had never read one of Eiri's books from start to finish. Guilt overtook him a little as he could recall all the times Eiri sat through Shu's music. He wondered if the fact that he never read his husband's work bothered Eiri at all. It pained him somewhat that he would never know the answer to that question. Shuichi realised that no matter how much he wanted to be better for Eiri there was no longer anything to base what better would be. He couldn't ask Eiri the things he did wrong, or the things that hurt Eiri. He would never know what he did right, either. What did Eiri love about Shuichi? What made his heart race or his hands tremble? It all may have been shrouded before by Eiri's embarrassment but now it was forever a mystery and that's what really bothered Shu. He could always find a way to get certain things out of his husband but that was no longer an option.

Thoughts continued to consume Shuichi before he lazily glanced down at his watch. The digital numbers brought fear into Shuichi's heart as he decided it was time for him to leave and begin his day of hell. Getting up, Shu grabbed an olive green jacket that was on the arm of his couch and slowly put it on. As his hand slid through the arm hole the tips of his fingers grazed lightly against the fabric, reminding him that this was real; it was happening. Cautiously, he made his way to the front door and slid his shoes on before leaving the apartment and locking up behind him. He made his way out of the building and took a deep breath in as he took step out onto the sidewalk. Exhaling the large breath he took he gathered all his confidence and began to walk, making his way to what in a strange way felt like a memorial service for his husband.

As Shuichi walked down the sidewalk his eyes stayed focused on his own feet. Thoughts swirled in his mind like paint slowing mixing. He felt like he was getting ready to say goodbye to his life and never look back. He didn't want to do this, he wanted to crawl back into bed and let himself live in the safe world of dreaming where he could be with Eiri and none of this ever happened. Shuichi wanted to crawl inside a cocoon of denial and never leave. He could wrap himself up with lies and fantasy and find peace in that. It didn't bother him what his friends or family would think of him, because in his world everything would be bliss. The feelings or concerns of others started to mean less and less to Shu because they didn't do anything but remind him that he was getting pity for something he thought just wasn't fair.

The closer Shuichi got to Eiri's apartment the more he could feel his stomach sinking and his head rushing. He looked up to see the market that he and his husband walked to that horrible morning. He knew it was coming soon, and he knew he couldn't look away from it. A few more shaky steps and there he was. Shuichi stopped and looked down at the pavement. Blood. The blood of his beloved stained the ground and mocked the boy. There it was, the place where Shuichi lost everything he had ever wanted. He looked down to the curb where he sat, holding Eiri's body in his arms. He could almost feel as though he could see it, like two spirits locked in place trying to hold on to the last moment they'd spend together. Shuichi knew he would never be able to take this street without remembering.

Shaking his head, Shuichi continued down the sidewalk while fighting back tears that threatened to pour from his eyes. He didn't have time or energy to put into all of this right now, he had to get to Eiri. As he made his way to Eiri's building he stopped and took a few deep breaths before entering and making his way to Eiri's apartment. Shuichi stood at Eiri's door and hovered his fist inches away from it. He wasn't ready. He kept telling himself he wasn't ready over and over again. He knew this would be the end of everything between the two. He had to stop thinking of Eiri as his husband and get used to the idea of ex-husband. It was time, no matter how much more procrastinating he wished he could do. All his muscles clenched in anxiety before he finally brought himself to give five timid knocks on the door.

Slowly the door creaked open and revealed to Shuichi the face of his seraphim. He could see that Eiri had bags beneath his eyes as well and wondered what the man had been going through. He wondered if Eiri lost sleep because of him or if that was just wishful thinking. The two awkwardly gazed upon one another for a short time before Eiri opened the door further and motioned for Shu to come in. Bowing his head down as he walked through the door Shuichi slowly took his shoes off as he watched Eiri walk away to the living room. Shu closed the door behind him before shyly following after the blonde. Eiri took a seat on his couch and looked over to Shuichi, waiting for the young man to do the same.

Shuichi let out a little 'erp' sound as he clumsily made his way to the couch and sat down as far from Eiri as he could. He looked down at his hands which rested in his lap, unsure of when he should start talking, or even how to start talking. Each little sound around the apartment was amplified in Shu's mind. He focused so hard on each sound he was hearing to try and distract himself from the reality he had to face.

"So," Eiri spoke, finally breaking the silence. "How does this go?" He asked as he reached into the front pocket of his dark blue button up shirt and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. The blonde pulled out one of his smokes and lit up before glancing over to Shu.

Shuichi looked over to Eiri's direction, keeping his gaze on the smoke that coiled up from the cherry of Eiri's cigarette. Completely forgetting everything he had been rehearsing, Shu turned some so he was facing Eiri. He looked his husband in the eye and gave him a small head bow. "My name is Shuichi Shindou. I was your husband," he declared while feeling an odd sense of confidence.

Eiri raised an eyebrow at the boy as he took a long drag from his cigarette. He exhaled in a sigh before replying with, "I know that."

Shuichi ignored the cold remark from Eiri and continued, "We met at night in a park."

Leaning forward to tap the ash off his cigarette in an ashtray on the coffee table Eiri looked away from Shuichi and rested his elbows on his knees. "Okay, and how did that go?" Eiri asked in almost a sarcastic tone, though he was trying to humour Shuichi.

Shuichi let out a small chuckle. " I dropped a page of my lyrics and you picked them up. I thought you were foreign, so I assumed you might not be able to read them," he explained as he recalled the night vividly in his own mind.

"Based on what I've heard, I'll assume it was garbage," Eiri retorted before taking another drag from his cigarette.

Shuichi thought back to what Eiri had told him that night. "You said I had 'zero talent'." Shuichi stopped and tilted his head to one side. "Wait, based on what you've heard?" he inquired.

Eiri let out an irritated grunt and smashed his cigarette down into the ashtray. He leaned back up against the couch and looked straight ahead of him. "I may have watched an old DVD you left here," he mumbled.

A small smile graced Shuichi's lips. It was nice to know that Eiri was at least a little bit curious. "You drove me crazy, I was up all night thinking about what you said to me. I had to find you and ask you how you could be so cruel."

"So let me guess, you tracked me down?" Eiri asked in a bland tone.

Shuichi slowly twiddled his thumbs together, feeling a small amount of shame for what he was about to say. "I saw your car, and I jumped out in front of it."

Eiri looked over to Shuichi with a blank stare. "How stupid can you be?"

Shuichi returned Eiri's stare. "Very stupid. I felt like you hated me and I needed to know why. In a way I think I hated you, too. I guess I felt like I was in some pissing contest with you and I had to prove to you that I had what it takes." Shuichi looked away from Eiri and watched as the still slightly burning cigarette in the ashtray had a small trail of smoke flowing up.

"How did you make hate turn into love?" Eiri asked as the expression on his face grew a little sad.

Shuichi thought about the question for a moment. He didn't know how he could convince Eiri that he was worth loving. "I took what I could get. First a few stolen kisses that were meant to rile me up. Then the occasional tumble in bed before you'd leave or kick me out. Everything was on your terms, Eiri. And I was okay with that and I don't know why."

Eiri scoffed. "That doesn't really answer my question."

"I can't tell you how your feeling developed. I can only tell you how your attitude developed," Shu explained. "Once you let go of Kitazawa I think you opened up to me more. You started to become possessive of me. I think at one time your words were that I was your hole to fuck and nobody else's."

Eiri thought for a moment. "Part of that sounds like me," he mumbled. "How did I let go of Kitazawa? As far as I know I still carry that cross everywhere I go."

Shuichi sighed and gave a weak shrug. "Honestly it was his sister that had more to do with it than me. But once you did let go, you opened your heart up and stopped blaming yourself. Eiri what happened was never your fault. You were a victim not a tease."

"Shut up," Eiri snapped. The blonde shot a glare to Shuichi, in a way almost daring him to push his buttons.

Shuichi pulled back a little and looked back down to his lap in shame. "I'm sorry, I forget sometimes you're back in that metal place."

Eiri sighed and realised there was no reason to lash out despite him really wanting to. "Why did you even want to talk to me?"

"Eiri, all this time I've concerned myself with only what you're going through. But I'm going through shit, too. Romance might seem trivial to you but I lost the love of my life. I lost my partner in life and I lost my best friend." The vocalist paused for a moment as he tried to think about how to put this into proper words for Eiri. "Think about how horrifying it was to see the blood spilled from Kitazawa the night you shot him. I had to see your blood spilled. I was holding your seemingly lifeless body in my arms. I thought I was watching you die that day." Shuichi fought so hard to keep from any tears falling, but the battle between him and his tear ducts was a difficult one. Shuichi found himself losing the war as water welled up in his eyes and fell to his cheeks from a blink of his eyes.

Eiri let out a small sigh and put his elbow up on the arm of the couch, resting his chin in his palm. "Fair enough," he muttered.

A few moments of silence passed between the two as Shuichi was trying to regain composure. "Do you feel anything about what happened?" Shu finally asked, feeling afraid of the answer.

Silence filled the air once more as Eiri found himself seriously considering the question. "I feel angry," he expressed in the fewest words that he could.

"Angry about what, Eiri?" Shu pressed, needing more information.

Eiri grumbled a little as his right fist slightly clenched. "Angry that I feel like I lost so much time in my life," he answered as he looked over to Shuichi. "I'm angry that I apparently changed so much and I can't understand why."

A small laugh came from Shuichi as he looked Eiri in the eye. "Eiri, you didn't really change. You were always you, you just let somebody in. You let somebody put up with all your shit and accept you for who you are. I think you didn't want to be alone in the end and I was the lucky person you chose," he explained with a sincere smile.

"What do you want from me?" Eiri asked in an irritated tone. "Do you want me to just go back to how things were and live with a man I don't know?"

Shuichi shook his head and kept his kind smile. "No, Eiri. I don't want you to force yourself to go back to your life before the accident. I expect you to keep living and live the life that you want. I can't tell you how to do that, and neither can your family," Shuichi explained with a gentle voice. "What life do you want?"

A barrage of thoughts hit Eiri's mind after being asked that. He knew deep down in his heart what he honestly wanted, but he didn't know if he wanted that to be public information. He felt as though he had a persona to upkeep and he did have doubts about Shuichi. An exaggerated sigh passed Eiri's chapped lips. "I want the life I had. Where apparently I found a way to be happy. I don't know you, but there is a large part of me that wishes I did," Eiri paused as he thought more about if he really wanted to be saying all this. "I wish I didn't get hurt. And I wish you weren't hurting now."

Shuichi's eyes widened slightly to Eiri's words. He found himself feeling a little shocked that wishing this had never happened had occurred to Eiri, let alone the blonde taking Shu's pain into consideration. "Eiri there is nothing I want more than to be with you again, have you love me again," Shuichi shyly said. "But I know I can't have that and while it may hurt now, it has to stop eventually doesn't it?"

"What if the pain never stops?" Eiri asked as he averted his gaze from Shuichi. "What if I could fall in love with you again? What if you never saw me again?" More questions flowed from Eiri's mouth as he stared down at his feet.

Shuichi shook his head. "That's too many 'what ifs'. I need to think about your best interests. Like getting better, getting back to life and being simply who you remember being. Nobody can ask more from you or expect more. It's all your choices."

Keeping his gaze fixed on the ground, Eiri found himself having a hard time saying what he was about to. "So what you're saying is you're totally okay with leaving me alone and not trying to find what we had before?"

A puzzled look formed on Shuichi's face as he continued to look at Eiri. "No, I'm okay with leaving you alone if that's what you want. But if there was any chance I thought you'd want to try to get to know me I would take that offer in a heartbeat. Although I think the only person who's really rooting for anything to happen between us is your brother," Shu said meekishly.

Eiri thought about Shuichi words before letting out a small chuckle. "Seguchi does seem like he wants me away from you," he mentioned

"I'm not surprised," Shu responded with a sigh. "As far as I'm concerned the only person that has an opinion on it that matters is you."

An awkward haze filled the room as Eiri felt as though he was trying to hint things at Shuichi that the boy just wasn't understanding. Eiri knew that so far the only thing he showed interest in as far as Shuichi knew was sex. Granted, that was Eiri's own fault considering that at first that really was all he was intrigued by. The distant tease of happiness called out to Eiri and if this is where he found it he wondered if he could find it again. "I want to know," Eiri spoke up.

Shuichi raised an eyebrow towards the man and found himself feeling a little flushed. "You want to know what?" he asked cautiously.

"I want to know what I'm missing out on," Eiri answered as his gaze drifted over to the coffee table and the ashtray sitting on top of it. "I want to know the weird kid I decided to marry. I want to know what life with you was life. You know, see if it fits at all. I feel like parts of me are missing even though I should feel whole. I don't know what it is, but something is pulling me to you and I can't ignore it." Eiri looked back over to Shuichi with somewhat of a scowl on his face.

Shu took a moment to make sure he had heard what he did and that it wasn't some delusion brought on from anxiety. "Um, how do you want to go about doing that?" he asked timidly while trying to keep eye contact with Eiri no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel.

Eiri leaned back against the couch and leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling. "Maybe we can slowly start spending time together outside of just you remembering my accident? No pity, just let me get to know you. But for now, I'm tired. All this talking has made me exhausted," he grumbled as he ran a hand through his messy blonde hair. "How about I walk you home?"

"Are you sure you feel up to that?" Shuichi asked with concern for Eiri's health.

Eiri sat back up and looked at Shuichi with a blank expression. "It'll be fine. If anything I can just take a cab back if I need to," he commented as he slowly got up from the couch. "Let's get you home and I guess we'll see how things progress from today. Provided that you're interested in that."

Shuichi quickly shot up from the couch and gave Eiri a very nervous smile. "Yes," he answered as he bowed his head down a little. "I'd be interested in that."

"Fine then, let's go," Eiri grunted as he slowly led the way to the front door. He slipped his shoes on and exited the apartment, waiting for Shuichi to follow suit.

Quickly making his way over to Eiri, Shu hastily slammed his feet into his shoes and walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind him, "Which way should we take?" he asked the blonde as he started to follow him through the hallway of the building.

"I haven't seen the spot where it happened," Eiri mumbled. "Take me that way," he commanded as the two left the building.

Feeling a great deal of hesitance, Shuichi decided to keep his feelings to himself and simply do as Eiri had asked of him. The boy slowed down his pace some as to not make Eiri over exert himself but started to lead the way from which he had came. The two walked in complete silence as Shuichi was dreading the upcoming block. He didn't know how Eiri would react, or even if he would for that matter.

As the location grew closer and Shuichi began to see small splatters of stained blood he slowed down more before coming to a stop at the place of impact. He looked up to Eiri who stared blankly at the street.

Eiri traced the outline of blood slowly with his eyes as he tried to picture himself being hit. He tried to imagine his lover holding him and begging him to stay alive. Eiri kept this to himself, but all he could feel in this moment was that it just wasn't fair. He didn't think he deserved this and he wanted to curse any higher power that he could think of. "Let's go," Eiri scoffed before turning away from the scene and continuing towards Shuichi's home.

With slight confusion Shuichi followed after Eiri and kept his mouth shut. He didn't think it right to try and ask Eiri what sort of feelings seeing that must have incited considering it was his first time seeing it. Shu kept his head down and walked beside Eiri with a million questions running through his mind. It was the longest twenty minute walk of Shuichi's life and it was starting to drive him crazy.

As the two reached Shu's apartment building Eiri looked down to the boy. "Can I come in and sit down for a few moments?" he asked, having the slightest bit of a heavy breath.

"Of course," Shu answered as he led the way inside the building. The two made it to Shuichi's door, and the vocalist shakily unlocked the door. He opened it and offered for Eiri to go in first. The two removed their shoes and Eiri went straight for Shu's couch, gingerly taking a seat.

Shuichi walked past the couch to the kitchen. "Would you like some tea? Water?" he offered as he pulled down a glass for himself.

"Tea," came Eiri's response and his eyes began to scan the items strewn across Shu's table.

Shuichi grabbed his kettle from the stove and began to fill it with water. "You got it," he called out with a small smile.

As Eiri sat and looked around at Shuichi's things a business card caught his attention and he reached forward to pick it up. He read the card as an odd feeling of certainty hit him. "Who's Ken Amano?" he called out to Shuichi.

"Oh," Shu nervously said having been caught off guard. "He's, well, he's the one who hit you," he answered remorsefully as he set the kettle back on the stove and clicked the burner on. "I really don't know why I still have that," Shu thought outloud. "I guess it was just the last thing I really remember from that day. I thought when I reached out to touch it I'd wake up from some horrible nightmare. Guess I was really wrong," he explained.

No response came from Eiri which really didn't surprise Shuichi so he simply waited for the kettle to finish heating. He grabbed a mug from the cabinet and a tea bag from a small drawer. As the kettle's whistle blew, Shu dropped the tea bag in the mug before pouring the boiling water on top of it. He placed the kettle back down and turned the stove off before grabbing the hot mug and slowly coming out to the living room. "Eiri, tea," he announced before looking up.

Eiri was no longer there, the front door wide open and Ken's business card gone. "Eiri?"

* * *

 _I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please feel free to leave any feedback, positive, negative, whatever._

 _Hope to see you next time._


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